They Sell Creams For That, You Know

Welcome to the October 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Instilling a Healthy Self-Image
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared confessions, wisdom, and goals for helping children love who they are. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Before I had a daughter, I would say that my body image was rather immature. I was happy with how I looked, I was thin and had a nice face. But there were things which bothered me. They've bothered me since I was old enough to have issues with my image.

My crazy-curly hair, for instance, and my very pale skin.

I admit that I fell subject to pressure from society to conform. I believed that these genetically defining attributes were faults and I needed to correct them. Two summers ago, I put on a bathing suit and tanned in my back yard - something that until a few years ago, would have been impossible. But pale skin tends to "break in" the older a person gets, so now that I'm in my 30's I can finally put a bit of color on. But only just a little bit, not even enough to qualify as an actual tan. It took me an hour, twice a week and it just plain sucked laying out there in the blazing heat. I hated it, but I kept it up because each time I made a bit of progress towards achieving something that I had always been told was an important aspect of a womans beauty.

I also used to straighten my hair so frequently that it would often break off. At one point, my hair that was normally down to the middle of my back was above my shoulders - and I hadn't a hair cut. What's a girl to do? Well, they make creams for that, you know...

Several months ago I was visiting with some friends. My daughter was at my feet, listening to the girl talk with rapt fascination. One of the ladies complimented me on my hair, which I hadn't had time to straighten. I immediately cracked jokes at it, "Oh yes, it's natural, I wouldn't do this to myself on purpose!" and expressed how much I hated it. At that moment, I looked down at my daughter who was staring up at me, again, with rapt fascination... she has my hair, exactly. I was horrified and ashamed, suddenly. I was not only insulting myself, I was insulting my daughter and all three of my sons, who also have very curly hair. All four of my children are also quite pale.

How can I teach my children to be okay with themselves no matter what, if I am constantly working to change things about myself which they have inherited for me? How can I teach my daughter to appreciate and love her hair, when I myself straighten, press and relax mine literally to the breaking point?
How can I teach them to love their pale skin and that it isn't necessary to tan or apply lotions to fit societies standard of beauty when I myself do not appreciate it? I decided then and there that when it comes to altering a feature that is a matter of my heritage, I will not. I will accept it, I will love it, and I will treasure it because it is a gift that my mother, my grandmother, each of my ancestors have passed onto me. Whether it is my beaky nose, my freckles, my brittle nails, my skin or hair or eye color.

That is not the same as wearing make up or fingernail polish, or even coloring the gray out of my hair. It's about celebrating my own beauty, regardless of what it looks like to anyone else.

This isn't something I'm always allowed to do, however. I get irate when I hear commercials for tannery's that put down pale skin (often using words such as ghastly, horrifying, gross) and when I speak out about this - that my skin simply does NOT tan and not everybody does, the token response I hear again and again is, "but they make creams for that, you know."

Could you imagine if a very dark person were complaining about the way society frowns upon black skin and the response they received was, "but they make creams for that, you know."
That would not be okay, nor would it be acceptable.
When I explain to a well-meaning individual who asks me if I've ever tried straightening my hair that I used to but it's too much hassle and causes too much damage, I hear the same thing, "they make creams for that, you know."

I've realized that I'm not going to set the most positive example to my children by trying to justify my appearance to others - but rather, by showing pride in my appearance, even if it isn't socially correct. If someone compliments my hair, they are met with a resounding, "Thank you! I'm glad you like it, I do too!" and if someones asks if I've ever tried straightening it, I will tell them, "Oh yes, a long time ago when I was being silly. It looked so boring!"

I won't tell you what I say to people who suggest I use creams to darken my skin but they will get an earful, because when a person implies that there is something wrong with the way I look, they are insulting my children. When they suggest that I should alter my appearance to fit their own (or our cultures) standard of beauty, they are telling my children the same thing. By expressing pride in the way I look, I may come across as immodest, but if doing so teaches my children to be proud of the way the genes they inherited from me, I will be happy to model that self-pride.
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by afternoon October 9 with all the carnival links.)

• Why I Walk Around Naked — Meegs at A New Day talks about how she embraces her own body so that her daughter might embrace hers.
• What I Am Is Not Who I Am — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses her views on the importance of modeling WHO she is for her daughter and not WHAT she sees in the mirror.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Verbs vs. Adjectives — Alisha at Cinnamon & Sassafras tries hard to compliment what her son does, not who he is.
• The Naked Family — Sam at Love Parenting talks about how nudity and bodily functions are approached in her home.
• How She'll See Herself — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis discusses some of the challenges of raising a daughter in our culture and how she's hoping to overcome them.
• Self Esteem and all it's pretty analogies — Musings from Laura at Pug in the Kitchen on what she learned about self-esteem in her own life and how it applies to her parenting.
• Beautiful — Tree at Mom Grooves writes about giving her daughter the wisdom to appreciate her body and how trying to be a role model taught Tree how to appreciate her own.
• Do As I Say, Not As I Do: Nurturing A Healthy Body Image — Christy at Eco Journey in the Burbs is changing perceptions about her body so that she may model living life with a positive, healthy body image for her three young daughters.
• Some{BODY} to Love — Kate Wicker has faced her own inner demons when it comes to a poor body image and even a clinical eating disorder, and now she wants to help her daughters to be strong in a world that constantly puts girls at risk for losing their true selves. This is Kate's love letter to her daughters reminding them to not only accept their bodies but to accept themselves as well in every changing season of life.
• They Make Creams For That, You Know — Destany at They Are All of Me writes about celebrating her natural beauty traits, especially the ones she passed onto her children.
• New Shoes for Mama — Kellie of Our Mindful Life, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, is getting some new shoes, even though she is all grown up…
• Raising boys with bodily integrity — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants her boys to understand their own bodily autonomy — so they'll respect their own and others'.
• Sowing seeds of self-love in our children — After struggling to love herself despite growing up in a loving family, Shonnie at Heart-Led Parenting has suggestions for parents who truly want to nurture their children's self-esteem.
• Subtle Ways to Build a Healthy Self-Image — Emily at S.A.H.M i AM discusses the little things she and her husband do every day to help their daughter cultivate a healthy self-image.
• On Barbie and Baby Bikinis: The Sexualization of Young Girls — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger finds it difficult to keep out the influx of messages aimed at her young daughters that being sexy is important.
• Undistorted — Focusing on the beauty and goodness that her children hold, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children watches them grow, loved and undistorted.
• Off The Hook — Arpita at Up, Down and Natural sheds light on the journey of infertility, and how the inability to get pregnant and stay pregnant takes a toll on self image…only if you let it. And that sometimes, it feels fantastic to just let yourself off the hook.
• Going Beyond Being An Example — Becky at Old New Legacy discusses three suggestions on instilling healthy body image: positivity, family dinners, and productivity.
• Raising a Confident Kid — aNonymous at Radical Ramblings describes the ways she's trying to raise a confident daughter and to instil a healthy attitude to appearance and self-image.
• Instilling a Healthy Self Image — Laura at This Mama's Madness hopes to promote a healthy self-image in her kids by treating herself and others with respect, honesty, and grace.
• Stories of our Uniqueness — Casey at Sesame Seed Designs looks for a connection to the past and celebrates the stories our bodies can tell about the present.
• Helping My Boy Build a Healthy Body Image — Lyndsay at ourfeminist{play}school offers readers a collection of tips and activities that she uses in her journey to helping her 3-year-old son shape a healthy body image.
• Eat with Joy and Thankfulness: A Letter to my Daughters about Food — Megan at The Boho Mama writes a letter to her daughters about body image and healthy attitudes towards food.
• Helping Our Children Have Healthy Body Images — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares information about body image, and her now-adult daughter tells how she kept a healthy body image through years of ballet and competitive figure skating.
• Namaste — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment shares how at barely 6 years old, her daughter has begun to say, "I'm not beautiful." And while it's hard to listen to, she also sees it as a sign her daughter is building her self-image in a grassroots kind of way.
• 3 Activities to Help Instill a Healthy Self-Image in Your Child — Explore the changing ideals of beauty, create positive affirmations, and design a self-image awareness collage. Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares these 3 ideas + a pretty affirmation graphic you can print and slip in your child's lunchbox.
• Beautiful, Inside and Out — It took a case of adult-onset acne for Kat of MomeeeZen to find out her parenting efforts have resulted in a daughter that is truly beautiful, inside and out.
• Mirroring Positive Self Image for Toddlers — Shannon at GrowingSlower reflects on encouraging positive self image in even the youngest members of the family.
• How I hope to instill a healthy body image in my two girls — Raising daughters with healthy body image in today's society is no small task, but Xela at The Happy Hippie Homemaker shares how choosing our words carefully and being an example can help our children learn to love their bodies.
• Self Image has to Come from Within — Momma Jorje shares all of the little things she does to encourage healthy attitudes in her children, but realizes she can't give them their self images.
• Protecting the Gift — JW from True Confessions of a Real Mommy wants you to stop thinking you need to boost your child up: they think they are wonderful all on their own.
• Learning to Love Myself, for my Daughter — Michelle at Ramblings of Mitzy addresses her own poor self-image.
• Nurturing An Innate Sense of Self — Marisa at Deliberate Parenting shares her efforts to preserve the confidence and healthy sense of self they were born with.
• Don't You Love Me, Mommy?: Instilling Self-Esteem in Young Children After New Siblings Arrive — Jade at Seeing Through Jade Glass But Dimly hopes that her daughter will learn to value herself as an individual rather than just Momma's baby
• Exercising is FUN — Amy W. at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work talks about modeling for her children that exercising is FUN and good for body and soul.
• Poor Little Chicken — Kenna at A Million Tiny Things gets her feathers ruffled over her daughter's clothing anxiety.
• Loving the skin she's in — Mama Pie at Downside Up and Outside In struggles with her little berry's choice not to celebrate herself and her heritage.
• Perfect the Way I Am — Erika at Cinco de Mommy struggles — along with her seven-year-old daughter — at telling herself she's perfect just the way she is.