The Teen Culture

Once a child discovers the world outside of family, they begin to feel the pressure to fit into it. In early childhood, a childs focus is on family that is their world. As the child gains independence, the role of peers becomes their focus. These peers are supposed to help them transition from childhood to adulthood, and sometimes it can be a treacherously painful journey.

A childs group of friends will serve as a “home away from home,” make school less lonely, and serves as a panel to help her learn who she is. Large groups of kids, such as a class or student body go through a rigorous peer imposed sorting. Kids divide themselves into groups by common interests, financial status, and sometimes outside social arenas such as churches or groups of family friends or sports teams. These naturally occurring groups are not a bad thing. Sometimes they take on a leader or two, as some children naturally lead and others follow, so that even the group has it’s own individual hierarchy within it.

Once the group takes on an aura of exclusivity, it has become a clique and suddenly, the only people who are allowed into the group are those deemed worthy enough, usually by the leader. A child who is not in any group or clique may become an easy target for the free-roaming bullies or the leaders of the cliques. Reading the description of a middle-school cafeteria in the book “Cliques” by Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese brought up strong mental images of a prison yard, with it’s segregated population into gangs. The need for new prisoners to join a gang for protection is absolute. I believe that it is also crucial for adolescents to find a group of friends to shield them from the bullies and other various groups. The more powerful the “gang” or social clique, the stronger the protection from peer torment. Duh!

As with real gangs, cliques also have a strict code of conduct. The leaders determine who the group members are allowed to talk to, sit with, dress like, date, even what to watch, read or like. Being excluded from a clique can be hard, and being in one isn’t always a picnic either, as the members have to adhere strictly to the rules and have to deal with the constant stress of measuring up to the cliques ideals. None the less, our children understand on a very primal level the “dog eat dog” atmosphere of the social scene, and that joining a clique can be a matter self-preservation, socially speaking. To a twelve year old, that is everything.

According to “Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity” by Patricia and Peter Adler, the infrastructure of the average middle school can be broken up thus: 35% popular clique, 10% popular fringe, 45% middle friendships, 10% loners. Most of us can attest that it was the same way back when we were in school, regardless of our current age, or how long it’s been since we stepped into a middle school cafeteria. And while the names of the various groups change along with the hair and clothing styles, they are, by and large the same types of groups throughout our modern history. According to an article by John Kelly, for TLC Family, these are the current groups of kids today:

• Geeks - defined by their obsessive knowledge on specific topics, geeks can be trendy or nerdy.
• Jocks - atheletic types, jocks usually don sports wear, but since they typically play sports for school, letterman jackets are often a part of their attire.
• Skaters - the name skaters is not so very new, I remember skaters from 20 years ago. But before they were skaters, they were surfer wannabe’s.
• Outsiders/Loners - don’t typically fit into a specific group. They stand alone either by choice, or force.
• Hipsters - think hippies, indie’s, bohemians, etc. they have a flare for the arts and an eclectic quality.
• Scenesters - the new “punk,” scenesters are cutting edge. They typically dress very trendy.
• Emo Kids - some say emo’s are also scenesters, however, they are considered the new goth. They dress all in black, and simply “emote” their emotions.
• Preps - will there ever be a world without preps? Preppies, yuppies, squares, straights, preps have been around for a very long time and I doubt they need an explanation.
• Nerds - typically brainy and socially awkward. They spend their high school years being jammed into lockers, only to wind up being the boss later on.
• Mean Girls - In the 80’s they were valley girls, in the 90’s they were barbies. They’ve lost their glamorous title and are referred to as how they are commonly perceived.

While we, as parents, can stive to help our children gain self-esteem, teach the importance of individuality, tolerance and self-respect, kids will still feel compelled to fit in. The peer crowd is like a social mirror. While some loners are comfortable and confident enough to not try to belong, the are the rare exception. Most kids take rejection as a direct personal fault and acceptance as a evidence of their base superiority. Of course, we parents know better, but try telling them that!

There are, however, things that we can do to help our children gain self-acceptance, even if they are not getting it from their classmates. First, some don’ts:

Don’t dismiss your childs need to fit into a group, or their troubles with their peer group when they express them to you. This is pretty much the way the older generations handled it, was to tell the kids that it’s no big deal, get over it, it’s not important. But challenging your childs belief that social acceptance is important will only create more self-doubt and reinforce their fears that their feelings are too small to matter. Let them know that you understand why their feelings are hurt and that it’s normal to be upset over (insert social crisis). Don’t go into a longwinded trip down memory lane, trying to relate. They don’t care about what happened 20 years ago and shifting the conversation to yourself when they are opening up to you will give them a sense that once again, their feelings are secondary. It’s enough just to validate their emotions and reassure them that anybody would be angry or sad about what’s happened. Sometimes, even if you can’t help, or even offer useful advice, it’s enough for them to find comfort in a sympathetic ear.

Don’t reject their friends. Unless your son or daughter is in that elite coveted group (and sometimes even when they are), they will wonder if their friends are good enough. Your child is trying to please, or at least be accepted by a lot of people and they frequently doubt their choices. Even if it doesn’t appear that they care what you think, they really do. By rejecting their friends, you are by extension, rejecting a part of them - the part that likes that person. And they really don’t need the extra criticism. Unless their friend (or boyfriend or girlfriend) is someone that you feel will truly bring them into harm, it’s best to at least give the appearance of an open mind.

Don’t play up the importance of social wins and fails. Bringing up social failures that you witness is like rubbing salt in the wound, and can even make your child feel judged. While it’s normal to want to try and make them feel better about it, don’t go on about it unless they bring it up and ask you for advice. Likewise, raving on about how popular they are can make them feel overly-anxious about losing their status - as if they aren’t already worried about that!

Here is what you can do:

Do ask your child about the different groups in school and if you can get them to, explain the social hierarchy as they see it - including who is “in” and who is “out”. Be careful though, if they sense that you’re fishing to find out what their popularity status is and it’s one that they are not proud of, they may become overly defensive and fear criticism coming.

Ask them about their past friends that they no longer hang out with, and where they ended up in the hierarchy of their environment. Once your child begins to open up, they may let you know where he or she feels they fit. Going through this can also help your child gain insight and social awareness which can be a powerful tool, even if it is only used for comfort in knowing.

Explaining the positives and negatives to your child of each station can can give them a world of perspective. This clarity can reinforce their confidence in their current position when they learn that there is no perfect place to be.

Popular kids: The other side of the coin, the ugly side of it, many would say, is that popularity exacts a heavy price. Inside the “inner circle” there is always jockeying for the top spot or to try and be as close to the leader as possible. As these kids often work very hard to earn their placement, they still have to work hard to maintain it. As the who’s in and who’s out saga can change on a dime and is nearly constantly changing, popular kids understand that one tiny slip is all it takes to send them toppling to the bottom or even get them expelled from the group. Sometimes, they don’t even have to make a mistake for someone to usurp their position. They always watch their backs. If that is not stress for one child to have to deal with, there’s more. The pressure for “cool kids” to maintain their status can be so intense that they feel forced into risky behaviors much more frequently than others kids do. “Just Say No” isn’t an option for someone who wishes to hold fast to their placement in a clique. Drinking, drugs and sex are not only prevailent to this group, for many, it’s a rule.

Popular Fringe: The popular fringe are the kids who hover around the popular crowd. Sometimes in, sometimes out, forever at the beck and call of the elite who they consider their authority. Often referred to as “wannabe’s” Many kids seem to feel pity for these fringe kids, who they feel trade their self respect for momentary forays into the spotlight. Deep down they often know that the popular kids will never truly let them in, but they insist on chasing them anyway.

Friendship circles: Making up the main, these kids aren’t the most popular and they do get teased, but for the most part they feel content. These kids feel very free to be their authentic selves and do as they please. To a popular kid, or one seeking popularity, being a geek or a nerd would seem to be a total nightmare. Yet, geeks are geeks and nerds are nerds and for the most part, they make no attempt to hide that fact or pretend to be something they are not. Why? Because their integrity is more important to them than unstable temporary power. Being occasionally mocked and ridiculed is worth the personal freedom that their station allows. For the most part, they enjoy true self acceptance - something that the popular kids - or those seeking popularity rarely have and do not gain until they have toppled from their pedestal.

Loners: There can be, on occasion, those kids who choose to isolate themselves from others. There are many people who are antisocial and prefer their time alone rather than hassle with people in a group. Most, however, are isolated through years of rejection by their peers. These kids can carry huge amounts of pain and anger toward those who constantly insult them for no reason, and those who stand by and watch. They are susceptible to depression, drug and alcohol abuse or violence. The good new about these kids, is they enjoy the utmost sense of personal freedom. And it should be noted that of the smartest, most talented and ultimately most successful adults, most claim that they were outcasts as teens. Indeed, their solidarity may well have allowed them time and opportunity to grow in ways that brought about their success.

True success of the healthy minded youth when it comes to social status is not to gain popularity and peer acceptance, but to gain self-acceptance. Personal identity does not have to reflect social identity and they do not have to accept the labels that their peers have placed on them. They don’t have to think badly of themselves if others do. Many people are well into adulthood before they realize this. Help your child to learn true self-acceptance, and they will have the ultimate social edge.

“Cliques” by Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese
“Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity” by Patricia and Peter Adler

When Friends Are Bullies ~ Recogonizing When Your Child is in a Controlling Relationship

While I had my reservations and concerns about this friendship, I did not know how valid those concerns were until well after the fact. Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.

 

---

As our children experience the world around outside of the home we create, they will experience a broad range of people and relationships. It's important to be a supportive bystander of these relationships, because they are imperative for helping children develop social skills, healthy attachments and learn about themselves. Not all of these relationships will be healthy. When our child experiences a relationship that is damaging to them in some way, it can be hard to recognize and it can also be difficult to know how best to handle it.

A couple of years ago when my son Aaron was ten, he met a boy from down the street and they became instant friends. It became obvious early on that they would be best friends and were soon inseparable. I will call this boy Parker.

Aaron seemed infatuated with him, and that was fine with me in the beginning. I kept a close eye out, because I felt that level of interest could be bad news. I'm not talking about any suspected romantic tendencies, but I knew my son was impressionable, eager to please, and couldn't stand to not have someone like him.

Parker didn't really have any friends and I thought at first it was because of his torn frumpy clothes, messy hair, occasional knock-me-over body odor and I knew that he was terribly neglected by his mother. His father worked late hours and was rarely around. When he was around, he let the boy do whatever he pleased and often crossed appropriate parental boundaries, which I will touch on later. The stories Parker told me from home were pretty heartbreaking. I was glad he had my son, even if he had nobody else.

After a few months, I began to notice things that bothered me. Whenever we had other boys over and Parker showed up, the other boys would leave. However on occasion, Aaron was able to talk the boys into staying and that's when the real problem made itself clear. Anytime another boy didn't do exactly what Parker wanted, he would begin name calling and insulting them. I was really shocked at some of the things he would say.

The kids would be playing tag football and Parker would get angry if he wasn't given the ball. Suddenly his "friends" were all idiots and morons. When he was with Aaron and a third boy, he would chase the third boy off by berating the other kid.

The other boys would normally call Parker out on his behavior and stick up for themselves but Parker would only become more insulting - he would say that he was only joking and the boys were too sensitive. I heard him tell a boy, "maybe you should go check with your mommy to see if she has your balls!" and other dehumanizing remarks. Anytime another boy became upset over the mean things Parker said, he made them question their feelings and continued making them feel worse, a behavior called "gaslighting." This is a clear indicator of mental and emotional abuse. Because of this, all of the kids avoided Parker like the plague... Except my son.

By the time I realized this dynamic, Aaron and Parker were two peas in a pod. Sometimes Aaron would come home from Parkers upset if he was pushed too far, but he refused to talk to me about it. Like many who are being manipulated by someone they care about, he was protective of his friend. I talked to him frequently about Parker's manipulation tactics but Aaron insisted that he wasn't like that with him.

I knew that if I demanded Aaron not see Parker anymore, it would be unlikely he would listen. He was too enthralled, and I knew that I couldn't watch him all 24 hours of the day. Not only would he see Parker at school and in the neighborhood and I couldn't completely prevent the two from getting together, my disapproval of Parker at this point would only drive my son further from me and closer to his friend. It's a conundrum that many parents of teens and adolescents are familiar with. I also couldn't say a single word about Parker without my son becoming angry and defensive of his friend.

As time went on, I would do my best to make sure Aaron knew he could come to me with any problems he was having. I kept a watchful eye, ear and heart. I knew that my son was being bullied and manipulated by his dear friend but couldn't see it. Parker could be very nasty when he wasn't given his way - he could also be just as rewarding with praise when the person he was controlling did what he asked.

One day, Aaron came in me in distress. He couldn't take it anymore and wanted help out of the relationship. He told me that Parker had taken some of his dads alcohol and would drink it in the mornings before school. He was pressuring Aaron to drink it too, and he didn't want to. He felt it was a matter of time before Parker persuaded him into it. Not only that, but Parker had stolen some of his parents cigarettes and was smoking them, when he was caught by his dad. Aaron was there when Parker was caught, and Parker told his father that Aaron was smoking too. Aaron swore to me he didn't, and felt deeply betrayed that Parker would lie on him and try to get him into trouble. While Parkers dad didn't believe that Aaron wasn't smoking, he agreed to keep is secret and not tell me, my husband, or even his own wife, as a "favor."

Now not only were red flags being waved, glaring alarm bells were ringing complete with sirens and flashing lights. No way was my kid going back to this boys house. Parker was getting into some pretty dangerous behavior and determined to get my son to participate - but now his father was keeping secrets for him and that terrified me.

I wasn't angry at my son, but he wanted help avoiding Parker and so I agreed to ground him. We made up an excuse and I thought this would be the end of it. My son could be grounded for months and in that time, the boys would grow apart.

I later found out that Aaron had been going to Parkers house in the mornings before school instead of the bus stop, and that Parkers father was giving both boys a ride to school. I was livid to discover this, and grounded Aaron for real this time. I let him know that one of my biggest concerns was whether Parkers dad had sexually abused him. I told him what made me fear this, and that made him open up to me more. I again told Aaron that I was worried Parker could be unbalanced, even dangerous, and what behaviors to watch out for. Violent tendencies, abuse of Parkers little sister at Parkers hands, cruelty to animals were all on the list.

After two weeks of being confined to the house, Aaron finally began to express relief at being away from Parker. And after another month, Parker and his family moved away. It was another two months before my son felt safe enough to divulge everything he knew about his friend. I was horrified to discover that my concern about violent tendencies and cruelty to animals was legitimate.

Four years have passed and my husband and I have counseled our son a great deal. We only found out about the extent of Parkers behavior well after the family had moved away, there was no one we could talk to about getting the boy some help - not that we have any confidence that Parkers parents would have gotten him any if they had believed us. We have been working with our child and teaching him lessons and skills that we hope will make him less vulnerable to manipulation in the future.



Have you ever been in a controlling relationship? Did you need help getting out of it, or were you able to get out of it on your own? How would you help your child if you believed your child was being controlled by one of their friends?

Is It OK To Bully Kids If They're Gay?

For as long as there have been humans, there have been those that are gay. As a species, our attitudes towards them changes dramatically from one period to the next, and from one culture to another. The ancient Romans, for instance, were well known for their open attitudes towards homosexuality. In America, up until quite recently, our attitudes could not have been more different. As we are experiencing a cultural shift where gays are more and more accepted, it's causing quite a lot of friction. This friction is filtering down into our youth communities.

This following passage was presented to a US Senate committee: "In 2004, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and the American Psychiatric Association said: There is strong evidence that gay, lesbian and bisexual youth of both sexes are significantly more likely to experience suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. A number of studies have shown that the increased risk ranges from two-fold to seven-fold. Gay, lesbian and bisexual youths were shown in these studies to carry a number of risk factors for suicidal behavior, including high rates of alcohol use. Gay adolescents are at significant risk for suicide due to chronic bullying and victimization in school."<sup>1

While many kids are bullied for being different, most have an understanding that their difference is something that will change for them as an adult. For instance, a child who is teased for their weight knows that they can go on a diet and lose the weight. A child who is teased for being poor knows that they can grow up and earn a greater income if they apply themselves. A child who is teased for being gay knows that they are always going to be gay. Knowing how unacceptable it is in our society and that they cannot change it can make them feel extremely hopeless and alone.

Gays also have to contend with much bigger bullies than their peers. Many politicians and religious groups are very outspoken against gays and shout their hateful condemnations from pulpits, pews and picket lines. Gays are told repeatedly and by many that they are an abomination, a stain on humanity. That they are hated by God. Last week (early May), I read an article about a pastor who had encouraged parents to beat the gay out of their children. Pastor Sean Harris, of Fayetteveille, North Carolina stated, "Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist... Man up, give them a good punch, OK. 'You're not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you're going to be a male.'" Harris later expressed remorse for not having been more careful with his words. But sentiments like that are hardly new, or rare.2

While we, as a culture have come to treat most other minority groups with civility and equality, for the most part, open hostility against gays is still widely practiced and accepted. The government recognizes most criminal acts against gays as a hate crime, but gays are not yet given equal status as heterosexuals in this country. Our societies bias against gays in political and religious arenas - not to mention what parents have to say about gays in the privacy of their own homes - sends a powerful message to teenagers. According to Robby Cook, the executive director of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee: Nine out of Ten LGBT students are bullied and many times much worse. Congressman Jared Polis and Senator Al Franken have offered a bill called the Student Non-Discrimination Act that would give LGBT kids the same civil rights protection guaranteed by other non-discrimination laws. Republicans refuse to bring the bill to a vote and Mitt Romney refuses to speak in support of it. With the current climate in Washington over gay marital rights, republicans are firmly feet planted against supporting any gay issues, even ones that would help protect kids.3

Meanwhile, gay students frequently do not feel supported or protected by their schools. One gay student, 15 year old Zach Huston, was beaten mercilessly earlier this year by a fellow classmate while others looked on. The beating was filmed on one students cell phone and posted on the Internet. The evening before, the teenager who beat Zach had made a derogatory comment on one of Zach's facebook photos and called him fag.
The Unioto High Schooler states that he had been attacked on previous occasions, even punched in the face and when he complained to school officials he says, "He basically said, 'There's a few gay kids in school and you're the only one I have problems with. So, what can you do to tone yourself down and not draw all the attention to you?'" Zach and his mother reported assault repeatedly and nothing was ever done. Now the ACLU is representing Zach in a possible law suit as they feel the school failed to protect Zach.4

Until this current century, most LGBT hid their orientation or at least did their best to not flaunt it. Prom was a celebration they either did not attend or they would escort a date of the opposite sex. Although now many gays and lesbians are legally allowed to bring same-sex dates, this is not always welcome or trouble-free. This only applies to government funded schools as well, and those in the private sector do not have the same rights. This past month in Kentucky, two students of Lexington Catholic High School, Hope Deckler and Tiffany Wright, were told that they would be barred from attending their senior prom together.5 When they and their friends dressed up anyway and tried attend, they were refused admittance and chose to remain outside for their own version of the dance.

Though many kids today are openly gay, more still continue to hide their orientation for fear of rejection and ridicule. Some schools are certainly more tolerant than others. Things have improved for many gay teens, as the 1990's and before were fraught with extreme and sensational acts of violence against homosexuals. Kids like Derek Henkle, a student who was repeatedly beaten and threatened, at one time having a rope thrown around his neck in an attempt to drag him behind a truck was laughed off by school officials; or Jamie Nabozny who was beaten in a school bathroom and urinated on. Both of those boys, and other students like them, sued their schools and helped put into place some of the laws that currently protect gays and lesbians from physical harm while at school. However, as we can still see by the cases of Zach Huston, Hope Deckler and Tiffany Wright, violence and prejudice against gays and lesbians is still a huge problem as is complacency of many school administrations.

1 - Teen and Gay Issues, by Hal Marcovitz

2 -
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/05/08/pastor-who-sparked-outrage-over-hitting-gay-children-speaks-out/

3 - http://www.dccc.org/page/s/mobile-bullying?source=2-2012.05.14_rm

4 -http://jezebel.com/zach/huston

5 - http://www.king5.com/news/national/gay-teens-told-they-cant-attend-prom-as-a-couple-151721775.html</sup>

Do you talk to your teenager about their gay peers, and how they are treated in their school? At what age do you feel it is appropriate to begin talking to kids about sexual orientation? What do you tell your younger children about people in their lives who are gay?

Talking To Kids About Being Bullied ~ 6 Things You Should Never Say

Many children find it extremely hard to go to a parent or school official about being bullied, either because they are embarrassed and ashamed, or because they're afraid of how the adult will handle it. And make no mistake, if you handle it badly, your child will not come to you for help with this issue in the future - except out of desperation when they situation has escalated to a point beyond repair. So how do you know what to say? Here are a few general guidelines.

Don't be dismissive.
This is a common reaction, and one I think many parents instinctively do. If you act like bullying is no big deal, your kid will take on that same attitude and the insults will just roll right off their back, right? This sounds good, but there is a huge flaw in the logic.

Obviously, you don't want to over-react and threaten to pull your child out of school or go to the school board etc. just because someone called your child a name, nor do you want to make your child feel like a victim by over dramatizing the situation. But you don't want to make your child question the validity of their feelings, either. Our emotions are directly connected to our instincts and if you cause your child to begin second-guessing themselves emotionally, you open them up to question other things about themselves as well and can inadvertently create a deep insecurity within them. There are four types of insecurity we and our children experience: physical insecurity, financial insecurity, social insecurity - and emotional insecurity. Consistently invalidating a childs feelings can create deep emotional insecurity. When children feel they are able to trust their emotions and know that you trust them too, they are more self-assured and can often deflect a bullies insults much more easily than a child who is deeply emotionally insecure.

Don't tell them to fight back.
I think many of us heard this growing up. Again, I can understand the logic here: we all saw Ralphie
stand up to his bully in the movie, "A Christmas Story" and applauded him as the bully turned tail and ran. It seems that if the small child can just teach that bully a lesson, they will think twice before targeting him or her again. Stories of bullies being broken this way have been long used subject matter for t.v. shows and movies. But that is not reality and not what is likely to happen for your child. Bullies are seeking to dominate those around them, not to display their sense honor or code of ethics. If your child fights the bully, they may lose and then what? The aggression will only become worse as the bully is now insensed that this "lesser" person had the nerve to fight them. Even if your child wins, the bully isn't going to cry uncle and run off into the abyss never to be seen again. Maybe that's what they do in movies, but in real life, they just go get their buddies and teach your kid a lesson he or she will never forget. Please do not assume that the person bullying your child is a coward and that physically fighting them will scare them off. Do not assume they have a sense honor. Do not assume this kid won't seriously hurt your child if they feel their reputation as a force to be feared is in jeapardy. It's not usually an issue of the bully trying to prove how tough and strong he or she is - it's about showing everyone who is in charge and kids today know that there are many ways force someone into submission.

Don't validate the bullies assertions.
We've all seen the movies, particularly from the 80's and 90's, where the scrawny nerd with taped up glasses is being shoved around and picked on by the big beautiful jocks - and then he or she goes home and transforms themself into a super-hottie, so now they are not only respected, they are admired. Sandra Bullock has played that roll more than once in her career, most notably being "Miss Congeniality". Transforming your child from dweeb to cool isn't going to stop them from being bullied. That's t.v., not reality and ultimately you'll wind up doing more damage to your childs self-esteem if you appear to agree with what the mean kids are saying. Now, if it is an issue that you and your child both feel needs improvement, and would improve whether or not he or she is getting picked on, that is another thing altogether. As I say in my article, (When Not to Interfere) orange teeth and smelly armpits are a reasonable alteration to consider if that is what your child is being made fun of for.

Don't tell them that the other kids are only jealous. 
This is almost never true - and your kid knows it. Telling them this not only trivializes what they are going through, but you've just showed them your complete inability to handle the situation, or help them out of it. If you do REALLY feel like your child is being singled out because the other kids are jealous, be prepared to back that up and give them concrete reasons. (You just announced to your class that you're going to Disney Land in two weeks, and that was when your two best friends said they didn't want to play with you anymore and began saying hurtful things.)

Don't tell them that if they igore the bully, the bully will magically stop.
First, it's not really true. I mean, there is some logic there, but often the sentiment is lost in the statement. Bullies single out kids who have low self-esteem, because those kids offer the greatest reaction - which is the reward that the bully is seeking. A confident child, who's not easily upset makes a really tough target for the bully. But kids are not usually great actors. Imagine your child sitting in class, being taunted, poked, having spit-wads shot at them. They sit ridigly in their seat, their face stony and eyes watery. The bully knows she is getting through. Just because your child isn't breaking down in front of her or yelling at her to stop, doesn't mean she can't still see the pain she is inflicting. The bully will continue until she breaks your child down, because she knows that it's only a matter of time.

The second reason, is because kids can misinterpret this advice very easily. One thing that many kids who are bullied do, is to internalize the bullies behavior and take on blame for the bullies actions. This begins with a very innocent internal dialogue: "Why is it me? What's wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this?" Very quickly, your child will find answers for herself: "There must be something wrong with me. I guess I'm just messed up somehow. Maybe I really am just a loser." When you tell your child to "just ignore it", this can imply to your child that they had somehow caused the bullying to occur or escalate by not having the sense to react to it properly to begin with.

Now, let's be honest for a minute. When a bully fails to get a reaction from a child that they are seeking, they will move on to one that is more vulnerable. Some kids are more vulnerable, and therefore a more rewarding target. Often, the child who is being bullied repeatedly would not get bullied if they didn't get so upset about it. But you want to be very careful how you put this to your child, and let them know that they don't deserve the bullying and did nothing to bring it on themselves. In fact, it's often extremely sensitive kids who are targeted by bullies, and that sensitivity can be a huge assett!

Don't insist they tell the teacher, and don't go to the school if your child asks you not to.
Unless you fear that your child is in real danger, this would be a serious breech of trust and will pretty much guarantee your child will keep their bully troubles from you in the future. Going to the school, the teacher, or the parent of the bully can be very risky and cause the bully and/or their friends to retaliate and increase the intensity of the bullying substantially. Your child knows the school dynamic far better than you do and if they are sure that going to these athorities is a bad move, trust them. It can be so hard for us parents to not have control of the situation. We want to fix this for our child. Sitting back and realizing there is nothing you can do to help your child out when they are constantly being hurt can be really hard to come to terms with. One of the most important things your child needs at this point in time is to have you in their corner and completely on their side. To be their soft shoulder to cry on. To be their safe haven. Do what you can to maintain that bond of trust, your child won't feel so helpless as they would if they felt they couldn't trust you.



Now, you may be afraid to say anything at all to your child. But don't worry, there are plenty of positive things you can say to a kid in this situation that can give them comfort and may even help them get the bully(s) off their back.

Do sympathise and validate their feelings.
 As stated above, validating your childs feelings, repeatedly and over time, teaches them to trust their own emotions and their own judgements and instincts. When a child has that self-trust and feels more sure of themselves, they can not only deal with bullies more easily, they are less likely to be bullied in the future. Just knowing that they are right to be upset by what is happening to them helps gives them confidence to be more assertive and stand up for themselves.

Do discuss the real reasons kids bully, and explain how it is a power/dominance relationship.
 As stated above, kids do question why they are being bullied. They will probably ask you as well and if you fail to give them adequite answers, they will form their own conclusions. According to Dr. Allen Beane and many other experts, these are the primary factors that cause a child to bully.

1.  They may be angry because of personal problems.
2.  They may have been mistreated themselves.
3.  They may have weak self-control
4.  They may have learned that hurting others is a good way to feel powerful and in control.
5.  They may have parents who have modeled aggression and inappropriate ways of expressing feelings.6.  They want to be number one - popular.

Discuss these reasons with your child to help them see that the bullies behavior is more about the bully and not about them. You may explore each of these reasons with your child and see if any of them ring true.

Do tell them of instances when you were bullied and how it made you feel.
Let your child know that bullying is a normal part of life and that it happens to everyone - while at the same time, letting them know that you do take it seriously. Kids have a really hard time putting themselves in anothers shoes because they don't have the range of experiences we adults have. Even if they see other kids at their school getting picked on, they may not make the connection that this is a common occurance. Your child can feel very lonely when someone is picking on them, and may begin to feel isolated. You may well remind them that everyone is bullied at some point, and that the bullying will come to an end as these things always do.

Do ask your child how they would like you to handle the situation.
Let them know that you will not go to the school or the bullies parents without their permission, but that you are willing to do whatever you can to help them. If they wish you to talk to the bullies parents, do that. If they do want you to talk to their teacher, do that. If they ask you to transfer to another classroom, or even another school - and you feel that the bullying is severe enough to justify that action, then let your child know you will do your best to make it happen. It's really important for your child to know that you are their complete ally and will do everything you can to help them - that's how important they are - but that you will not betray their trust by going behind their back.

Do let them know that they DO NOT deserve to be treated this way
and that no one has the right to make them feel badly about themself. As children begin to question why they are being picked on, they may begin to form conclusions that are tainted with their bullies words. Particularly in children who are extremely sensitive, especially if they are chronically bullied, they will eventually begin to believe that they really are ugly, stupid, a loser etc. The undefined Less Than (the notion that a person is defective in a way they cannot identify in order to change or improve and therefore, will always be Less Than others) can really get a good grip on your childs phsyche and do incredible damage to their sense of self worth. Your child may already be under the impression that as their parent, you are expected to love them and accept them even if they are somehow defective. They may even wonder if you can sense their Less Than quality, but just don't admit it out of parental obligation.

Not only do you need to let your child know that they are just as important and just as worthy as everybody else, it would be a good idea to have other friends and family members bolster this thought in your child. Often, kids who are being bullied - especially those who are bullied repeatedly just need to know that they are acceptable. Find some outside groups that you believe will be accepting and nurturing to your child sense of worth, and watch their self-esteem soar.


Sources~

Banishing Bullying Behavior; by SuEllen Fried and Blanche Sosland

Protect Your Child from Bullying; by Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.

The Power of Validation; by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa H. Cook, LPC

Beyond The Schoolyard; by Justin atchin, Sameer Hinduja

http://bullies2buddies.com

http://www.clemson.edu/olweus/

Has your child ever presented you with a bully situation they were dealing with and asked you for advice on how to handle it? How did you advise them?

When NOT To Interfere If Your Child is Being Bullied

When NOT to get involved

In this artice by Izzy Kaman the author asserts that current anti-bully laws don't work and that most of the time, telling on the bullies only amplifies the behavior - though this does not mean that bullying shouldn't be reported.

I know the feeling of helplessness when your child comes home from school and tells you they are being picked on. This has happened to my child more than once, and I debated on whether or not to call the school and talk to the teacher. It made sense to do this. It felt like the responsible, parental thing to do. But I had my own experience to bank on and I knew that it most likely would blow up in my childs face. He also begged me not to. I decided the best thing to do was to give him council at home, but not to intervene.

Often, we know when the attacks on our child are severe enough to warrant us to take action and go to the authorties. When there is physical abuse involved; when the emotional and verbal assault is so intense that our child no longer wishes to go to school (or wherever the bullying is occuring); when our child is largely outnumbered and being bullied by a group or even the entire student body; when our child begins to sink into a depression, expresses thoughts of harming themselves or others, etc. We know when it gets to that point that it has gone way too far. But how do we know when NOT to get involved? That can be a tough call.

When bullying is not severe. Not all bully/target relationships are severe enough to cause mental or emotional trauma. Kids tease eachother pretty regularly. If you go running to the school the first time (or everytime) your son or daughter is teased you're going to cause a lot more harm than good and may even turn your child into a regular target. Kids tease each other as a way of testing each others limits, testing their own power, and even as they jockey for social position in their peer group. For the most part, these minor instances of bullying will work themselves out and intervention prevents this from happening.

When your child asks you not to.If your child were to come to you and tell you he or she is being bullied, you can be glad that they trusted you enough to do so. They may be looking for guidance, comfort, or they may need you to get involved and act on their behalf. But if they ask you not to go to the other kids parents or the school, then don't. Not unless you fear your child is in actual danger. To go behind their back will destroy their trust in you with this particular matter and they will not come to you in the future - which can be very devastating in the case of a child who down the road, becomes visciously or relentlessly bullied. You want to do your best to remain a comfort and ally to your child during times when they feel others are against them.

When you're not sure it is a bully situation.Get all the facts before you jump on that telephone and start an irreversable chain of events. Sometimes kids get into arguments and have conflicts that they're not sure how to sort out. Sometimes a child may tell his parents that he is being called names, but is only telling his side of the story. One of the reasons adults are often reluctant to get involved in bully issues - is because it's not uncommon for kids to"cry bully". Maybe they don't even mean to, but anytime you listen to one side of an argument, particulary with kids, the child is likely to only tell what was said or done to them - and even exaggerate to a large degree - and make themselves out to be completely innocent.

When you have not yet exhausted other means of helping your child.There are many ways you can try to guide and advise and help your child before you go to the authorities (provided the bullying is not severe). Bolstering their self-confidence and teaching them to be verbally assertive can help. Stop and look at why your child is being teased - can that be remedied? I am not talking about feeding your childs insecurity by changing parts of themselves just because bullies pick on them, either, because that's just letting the bully win. But some kids get made fun of if they have poor hygeine (what kid doesn't go through a period of smelly armpits and orange teeth?) and things like that can surely be helped. There is a list of ways to help your child who is being bullied before contacting the school in this article - (How to Help a Child Who is Bullied.)

If you do decide to go to the school or whoever the authority is for the group that is harrassing your child, be sure that it is a situation worthy of so much attention. Regardess, here are a few tips if you choose to take this step.

The kid who was doing the bullying will undoubtedly find out that your child complained about them. Therefore it is imperetive to make sure your child will be insulated from this person should they choose to retaliate. You cannot assume the school is going to do this. Therefore it is important that you make your expectations clear and that separation (if possible is one of your key expectations.

Know what your expectations are before hand and have them ready. Going up to your childs school and demanding that they just fix it leaves a lot open. They may have their own ideas of what fixing the problem will entail. While most schools employ anti bully programs and have a standard order of business to conduct, I only offer this question. If they anti bully programs were effective, why is bullying in schools continuing to get worse? I believe much of the action taken by school officials is simply going through the motions. Even they know these new laws and regulations aren't doing much good, but its all they really can do at the moment.

Keep your emotions in check. Angry parents berating the teachers and princial does little and helps no one. Bullying a teacher or school official in order to MAKE them MAKE bullies leave your child alone is not only setting a bad precedence, it s just plain unhelpful and makes you look like the biggest bully of all.

While there is no magic solution, no easy button when it comes to helping our children learn to deal and relate to their peers, knowing what we are capable of, what we are responsible for, and and when to get involved *or not, can help us become more effective teachers to our children. The best way for children to learn to deal with uncomfortable or hurtful peer relationships is through modeling diplomacy ourselves.

References:
Banishing Bully Behavior by SuEllen Fried and Blanch Sosland
Protect Your Child from Bullying; by Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.
The Power of Validation; by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa H. Cook, LPC

Have you ever been in a bully situation where an adult tried to help you but it only made it worse? Have you helped a child out of a bully situation? If so, how were you helpful?

Anti-Bully Laws Don't Work

by Izzy Kalman

The Shocking Statistics about Anti-Bullying Programs

Almost a year has passed since the publication of a scientific report of such momentous importance that it should have caused an uproar in the Western world and made headlines in all newspapers. Instead, the information has fallen on deaf ears and one must play the detective to track it down.

The fourth quarter 2004 issue of the School Psychology Review, the research journal of the National Association of School Psychologists, published the findings of Canadian Psychologist, J. David Smith, PhD, of the University of Ottawa, in a paper entitled "The Effectiveness of Whole-School Anti-Bullying Programs: A Synthesis of Evaluation Research." He had conducted a meta analysis of all the research studies on the effectiveness of whole-school anti-bullying programs. Guess what he discovered. They don't work!

As Dr. Smith reports, "…86% of victimization outcomes [reports by victims of program benefits] were negligible or negative and the remaining 14% of reported effects were positive (albeit small). For self-reported bullying, 100% of the reported effects were negligible or negative."

Given the tendency of research to go in the direction researchers hope it will, the results may be even worse than what these studies indicate. And we can only imagine the terrible things we would discover if researchers actually set out to measure the harmful effects of anti-bullying programs, such as promotion of a victim-mentality, pushing "bullies" to become more anti-social, wrongful punishment, diverting precious class time from academics, turning students against each other, and creating family feuds.

When less damning results are found for a medication, it's immediately pulled off the shelves and the manufacturer faces law-suits in the billions of dollars.

In the six years since Columbine, the US has spent hundreds of millions of dollars while wasting countless hours of class time on anti-bullying programs that don't work and even cause harm. Meanwhile, State after State, at the urging of mental health organizations and parent lobbying associations, is passing anti-bullying laws making schools responsible for stopping students from bullying each other. They will have to depend on anti-bullying programs that don't work! Parents will become enriched by lawsuits against their schools for failing to stop their children from being bullied. But, amazingly, no one seems to care that these programs don't work. Why?

Why Does No One Care?

Because we don't want to. We have all experienced the misery of being a victim at one time or another, and our "inner-victim" wants revenge. How nice to finally have a scientist-blessed anti-bully movement that makes it legitimate to blame and hate others for our misery.

We adults haven't yet figured out how to protect ourselves from the bullies in our lives, and we sure wish that someone would do it for us. So we've decided to give our children the security we ourselves have never known. Oh, the excitement of playing knights in shining armor protecting virtuous victims from the evil bullies in school!

A researcher discovers that the programs don't work? They may even make matters worse? So what! We're not about to let our beloved anti-bully crusade (and the millions of "free" dollars) be threatened by facts. Fighting bullies is the moral thing to do no matter how much destruction we leave in our wake. We love our big white horses and gleaming armor, and no one's going to take them away!

What Aristotle Could Have Told Us

In case you are curious, would you like to know why anti-bully policies don't work? It's because they can't - never have, never will. Aristotle figured that out 2400 years ago.

Aristotle, the most influential thinker in the history of the Western world, advocated for good government and for providing maximum rights to people. Yet even he knew, "The one thing that no state or government can do, no matter how good it is, is to make its citizens morally virtuous." (Mortimer Adler, in "Aristotle for Everybody"; McMillan Publishing Company, 1978).

But this is precisely what the anti-bully movement is trying to do - guarantee our children a life surrounded by morally virtuous people. In other words - saints. Strange as this may sound, if you carefully inspect the academic definition of bullying, you'll realize that anyone who doesn't meet the criteria of sainthood is a "bully":

"Bullying may involve physical action, words, gestures, or social isolation. Although bullying may involve direct, relatively open attacks against a victim, bullying frequently is indirect, or subtle in nature (spreading rumors, enlisting a friend to assault a child)." (State Laws and Policies to Address Bullying in Schools, by Susan Limber and Mark Small, School Psychology Review, 2003, Volume 32).

In other words, whenever you treat someone in a way they don't like, you are a bully.

Who Started It?
Prof. Dan Olweus, the Norwegian psychologist who conducted research on bullying in the 1970's, is known as the "father" of the anti-bully movement, and all the popular programs are based on his guidelines. In his book, "Bullying at School" (Blackwell Publishing, 1993) he calls it a "fundamental democratic principle" that "every individual should have the right to be spared oppression and repeated, intentional humiliation, in school as in society at large."

By "oppression" Olweus is not talking about slavery or forced prostitution; he is talking about any action that bothers anyone else - things all of us do occasionally. Olweus apparently never studied government or philosophy, or he would have understood that this is not, and cannot be, a fundamental democratic principle. The place where no one does anything bad to anyone else is called Heaven, and you have to die to get in. Democracy, even at its best, is not Heaven on Earth.

Why can't a government (and this includes that of a school) "make its citizens morally virtuous", as the anti-bully policies are attempting? A little logical thinking will provide the answer.

Aristotle explains that moral behavior is a choice; it can't be forced on people. It sure would be terrific if a government could simply decree its citizens to be saints. If this were possible, world peace would have been achieved long ago.

But, as Aristotle knew, human beings aren't biologically programmed to be saints. Making it a crime to do anything that someone else doesn't like would lead to a totalitarian police state, with the government controlling every minute interaction between its citizens. Let's say we work together and for whatever reasons you can't stand my personality. You don't want to include me in your lunch group, so I get you arrested for "relational aggression." You think I rolled my eyes when you spoke at a meeting, so this time you get me arrested for "hostile gestures." You disagree with me at a meeting, so I get you arrested again because it really upsets me when people challenge my opinions in public.

A moral society, by definition, cannot be achieved through legislation. Instead of creating Heaven on Earth, anti-bullying laws would turn society into a Living Hell.

Expecting the Absurd

Let's look at the practical application of anti-bully policies in school. We're students and you pick on me. I tell the teacher. S/he says to you, "Bullying will not be tolerated. You have to be nice to people. Bully Izzy again and you'll be sent to the counselor. And if that doesn't help, you're going to be punished, even expelled." That's supposed to make you respect me and want to be nice? It will make you want to beat me up after school, or to look for an opportunity to get me in trouble with the teacher.

Or let's say that the program has taught student bystanders to stand up for victims. A kid sees you insulting me and says, "Hey, bullying isn't cool! You leave Izzy alone!" Are you going to say to me, "Gee whizz, I didn't realize I wasn't cool. Izzy, won't you please forgive me and be my friend?"

Only a fool would expect kids to react in this way, yet this is precisely what our mental health professionals and educators are hoping, and even expecting, will happen!

Do as I Say, Not as I Do

Anti-bully programs are based on the idea that bullying is a learned behavior. Just as kids have learned to be bullies, they now need to be taught how to be saints. Who, exactly, is going to teach our kids to be saints? You and I? Who do you think they could have learned bullying from in the first place?! Can we honestly tell our kids: "Learn from us how to treat people. Have you noticed how respectful we are to our spouses, and that we never get divorced? And of course we are never mean to our children. We would never say a bad word about our parents, siblings, in-laws, colleagues and bosses - not even behind their backs! We all attend the Non-Discriminatory Church of Universal Acceptance and live in peaceful, integrated neighborhoods."

Let's look at what my own research has been revealing about us. About one thousand mental health professionals and educators have filled out my Bullying Survey. 47% of them answered Yes to this item: "There is at least one person in my life that gets angry with me fairly regularly." This means that almost half of these professionals are currently bullying someone. (People don't get angry when you are treating them the way they want to be treated, i.e., respectfully, kindly.)

To the item, "There is at least one person in my life that I get angry with fairly regularly," 57% answered Yes. This means that more than half of mental health professionals and educators are currently feeling victimized and they don't know how to make the bullying stop. Furthermore, the academic bullying experts define anger as an act of bullying. So by getting angry, these same 57% are simultaneously being bullies. That's because when you get angry, you feel like a victim, but you look like a bully!

6% of respondents answered affirmatively to, "I have a child who gets hit by other kids in school at least once a day."

21% answered Yes to, "My children hit each other at least once a day."

This means that children of mental health professionals and educators are three-and-a-half times more likely to be hit by a sibling at home than by a kid in school. If experts at human relations do such a lousy job of protecting a couple of their own kids from each other at home, how in the world can they expect one teacher to protect thirty kids from each other in school? The answer is that they shouldn't expect it, but they do anyway.

The Only One Who Can Solve the Bullying Problem

As Aristotle understood so well, there are things a government can do for you and things it can't. Government can only give you things that money can buy. It can pay for teachers, but it can't make you learn. It can pay for health care, but it can't make you healthy. It can pay for police to protect you from crime, but it can't guarantee that you'll never be a victim of it.

And one thing it absolutely cannot do is provide you with a world of saints. It can, at best, punish people for not being nice to you. But then, one of the nastiest things you can do to a person is to get them punished by the authorities. So how can the government guarantee you a world of nice people when you're allowed to be so mean?

If we are to have any chance of achieving a meaningful reduction in bullying, there is one fact we all need to recognize: There is only one person in the world who can get people to treat you well. And that person is you.

*****************

This article is republished with the expressed permission of Izzy Kalman, from his website: http://bullies2buddies.com. Izzy Kalman is a nationally certified school psychologist who has specialized in helping children cope with bullying for the last 15 years. He is well published, created many programs, and created the website bullies2buddies which is full of free online resources. Izzy's mission is not to stamp out bullying, which he feels is impossible, but give kids the proper tools to deal with it.

Do you agree with Kalman that the current anti-bully laws and programs are doomed to fail?

How To Help Your Child When They Are Being Bullied

Parents often wonder this when their child comes home from school and complains to them about another kid picking on them. This is something I have often considered, as most kids are bullied at some point and mine are no exception. It's hard to know when to get involved, to what extent to get involved, and what action to take if we do get involved.


1: First and foremost - the MOST important thing you can do to help any child who is being bullied - tell them that it's not their fault and that nobody has the right to make them question their self-worth. Children will internalize their bullies behavior. In the case of verbal abuse, they will wonder if the horrible things being said about them are true. Even if mom and dad say that it's not, that's just mom and dad.
When children are chronically bullied, they develop a strong sense of the undefined Less Than. The undefined Less Than does so much damage because it insinuates that there is something ingrained and inherently wrong with the child that the child cannot even identify to fix. They question their deepest sense of themselves. They need to know and understand that there really is nothing wrong with them, and that no one has the right to convince them otherwise. Don't be cutesy about it. Don't be metaphorical. I was told growing up that "God doesn't make mistakes." This left so much open. If God doesn't make mistakes, then he must have made me defective on purpose. He must really hate me. Just be honest with your kid and keep it on their level - don't expect them to grasp obscure concepts and apply them to their situation.

2: Try to find out why the child is being bullied. Ask many, many questions to try and get to the root of the issue. Keep in mind that the responses are going to be filtered through your child, who has but one perspective. If possible, try to get more perspectives to get a broader image of what is happening. Your child will of course, be of the opinion that the bully is just out to get them, that the bully is simply a mean person. Others may tell you that your child is the antagonist. Perhaps, or perhaps not. The bottom line is, there is always more to a bully relationship than one kid being bad and the other being good.

3: Bear in mind, the bully relationship is one based on power and control. The bully may be seeking out your child for various reasons - but the notion that the bully is just plain mean is insufficient. In his book, "Protect Your Child from Bullying" Dr. Allen Beane lists these reasons for why bullies do what they do:

They may be angry because of personal problems.

They may have been mistreated themselves.

They may have weak self-control

They may have learned that hurting others is a good way to feel powerful and in control.

They may have parents who have modeled aggression and inappropriate ways of expressing feelings.

They want to be number one - popular.

Although you usually cannot go to the bully directly to address these possibilities with them, explaining this to your child can help them understand that the behavior is the bullies problem - not their own. That can be so empowering to a child, who may go around wondering why this is happening to them and even begin to place the blame on themselves.

4: Talk with the parents of your childs friends, encourage their friends to stand up for the child being picked on. This isn't always possible, but it can go a long way to diffuse a bully situation if the other kids who are bystanders stand up for the child who his being bullied. Especially because bully behavior often occurs in a group setting with several kids picking on one child. Of course, this is not something most parents are able to control, however.

5: Validate your child. As written in this article, validating your childs feelings from an early age not only helps them to trust their feelings, making it more difficult for bullies to hurt them, it teaches children to trust their emotions and honor them by standing up for themselves.

6: If possible, coach your child to not react to the bully, or to react with positive emotion. Sometimes this works, but not always. Children with plenty of self-confidence make poor targets for a bully. They simply don't give up the reaction that the bully is seeking. Validation is one way to build your childs self-confidence, but there are many other ways as well. But if your child has an insecurity - and we know they all do - the bullies are going to exploit that particular thing. So even though your child is very self-assured, but embarrassed about their glasses, you may encourage them to simply fake it and just pretend that they love their glasses.

7: In the case of bullies threatening violence or if they have become physical already, don't advise your child to fight the bully. In the bullies need to dominate, even if your child were to win the physical fight, the bully would only enlist more help and find other ways to bully your child into submission. Many cases of extreme cyberbullying have come about after the bully lost a physical fight to a child they were seeking to humiliate and punish.

8: If your child has access to Internet with their own email and social media accounts or has a cellphone, and you suspect they are being cyberbullied - check those accounts regularly. Bear in mind that your child can hide from you on the Internet. Places like facebook allow users to block material they wish to keep from certain people. Also, advise your child to be picky about who they "friend" on Facebook, or give their phone number or email address to - and NEVER give their password, not even to their closest friend.

9: You can attempt to get the school involved if bullying is persistent and aggressive, but do not be surprised if you find that does not help the problem - or even - if it makes it worse. I'm not going to say too much on this. In my experience, kids are pretty good about hiding their behavior from school officials. Teachers and staff just want to get through their day, and most don't even want to deal with this sort of thing. They have been known to push the behavior under the rug, turn a blind eye, pretend it isn't happening. And when they are forced to recognize the behavior, the penalties are so extreme that often times the bullies go from a general contempt of the child to downright hatred. Now, their vendetta against your child is personal and they will not rest until they have punished your child as severely as they can.

While I do not mean to discourage a child who is being bullied to not report it, it is important to be realistic about the out come you expect. Keep a watchful eye on your child and do not expect to simply call the school and have that be the end of the situation. Even if your child is telling you everything is fine, look for signs that it isn't. If you call the school, the bully gets punished, becomes more aggressive, your child is not going to want to tell you again out of fear that your involvement will make it even worse.

10: In the case of very extreme bullying - especially if you feel your child is not safe, do not be against pulling your child out of that school. It's a fine idea and a beautiful notion to think that your child will rise up against their bullies and win. But if it's not going to happen, it's not going to happen and forcing your child to stand their ground against what can feel like a tidal wave of brutal assault that comes at them daily may cause them to crumble. There are many alternatives to public school and if your child is in distress and the school isn't doing enough - don't simply stand on your principals and do nothing because "it's the school's job". If your child is in danger, physically, mentally or emotionally, and you feel that nothing is being done about it, seek outside resources to find out what your other options are for your child.

Above all, teach your child from an early age to honor their authentic self. Let them know that they don't have to be liked by everyone, and that not being liked by some is totally normal. Give them a safe haven to come home to when things get rough. Remind them that the trouble will pass. It always does. Teach your child to be their own best friend, their advocate, and to be the type of person they like best. Then it won't matter so much if others don't like them, if they are truly happy with themselves.

　

**Sources:
"Protect Your Child from Bullying" by Allen L. Beane, PhD,
Banishing Bullying Behavior by Suellen Fried and Blanch Sosland.
Why Anti-Bully Laws Are Doomed To Fail - By Izzy Kalman

Has your child been the target of a bully? If so, how were you able to help them?

Why is my child being bullied?

The Bully Relationship



A few days ago, I got a chance to listen to and meet SuEllen Fried at a bully seminar she spoke at in my city. I attended not realizing that she was a guest speaker, but was pleasantly surprised as I happened to be in the middle of reading her book "Banishing Bullying Behavior" that she co-authored with Blanche Sosland. One of the things she talked about that intrigued me, were the profiles of bullies and of targets. After reading this chapter in her book, I was able to surmise that bullies and their targets seem to have a sort of dysfunctional relationship. It is most definitely a relationship, even if it is one that the target isn't a willing part of it.

A relationship, by definition is 1. connection, association, or involvement; 3. emotional or other connection between people.<sup>1

According to Fried, who has amassed many years of research and made bullying the primary focus of her lifes work, bullies and targets fall into different profiles. This is part of the problem when addressing the issue of bullying in blanket terms and not focusing on the different dynamics and motivations behind bully behavior. It is so very important to get to the root of the behavior and discover the underlying causes, to diffuse the bully relationship at it's center.

Profiles of Bullies:

Reactive Bully - these are naturally aggressive children with poor impulse control. They see the world through a paranoid lens, and often view benign acts as provocation. They may see an accidental brush as a direct assault, and typically feel justified in their response. They do not view themselves as aggressive, but feel they are protecting themselves and their space.

Proactive Bully - is more calculated and intentionally hurtful. They often choose targets who will give a more rewarding response to their harassment, and frequently behave in a unemotional, controlled, deliberate manner.

Elitist Bully - see also Rankism. People of privilege, whether real or perceived often feel justified in abusing others.

Profiles of Targets, as defined by Dan Olweus(2):

Passive Targets - are often insecure, quiet and shy. They do not invite attention, nor do they defend themselves against attack.

Provocative Targets - are hot tempered and easily provoked. They are often restless and tend to annoy others. Fried and Sosland assert that they typically have disorders such as Aspergers or ADHD, which prevent them from picking up on social cues that other children read instinctively. These children do not usually realize that they are irritating others, and if they do realize it, they could not tell you why.

According to Gary Ladd PhD, a noted phsycologist, bullies (who are not reactive) will often engage in shopping behavior for targets. They will test the waters with various children in a group and form a bully relationship with those who reward him or her the most. This is also what Dr. Izzy Kalman says in his online pamphlet "How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying"(3). Bullies tend to look for targets who will Cry, Comply, Deny, or Fly Off the Handle:

Cry - When a target is made to cry, this makes the bully feel very powerful. Some children are naturally sensitive or defensive and made to cry easily. This is why bullies usually target children who are more emotional and require little effort to move to tears. Many parents try to stamp out this sort of behavior - especially in boys, because they do not want their children to be teased. While telling a child to not cry in front of a bully is typically a good move, it's very important for the child to know that there is nothing wrong with them being sensitive and that's just how some people are. It can be easy to imply to a child that they bring the bullying on themselves because they just can't control their emotions.
I've known some parents to actually taunt their children while they are little and call them "cry-baby" or other mean names in an attempt to toughen the kid up and teach them to hide their tears. Parents do this out of fear (and the idea that they are doing what is best for their child) because they know if the child is easy to cry, they are easy to bully. But this behavior from parents to their children is NOT a bully deterrent, in fact, it will make children more susceptible to bullying because now the child believes that they have a flaw (the flaw of feeling their feelings) and that if only they were more normal (if they weren't such a sissy), others might like them more. This increases their insecurity (sensitivity) and anxiety and they have lost their strongest weapon against bullies - emotional assurance.

Comply - Many children are nonconfrontational and while they are not easily moved to tears, they can be very compliant when being coerced. They easily give up their homework, lunch money, or anything else the bully demands. This can lead to extremely humiliating scenarios as a bully may demand more than tangible objects. They may demand for a compliant child to engage in behaviors or perform stunts for the bullies amusement. This is why many parents will try and toughen up their children and teach them to stand up for themselves. While building confidence is imperitive for any child, bullies can sense false confidence. Building self esteem through validation (teaching children to trust and honor their feelings) is the best way to give children the confidence they need to stand up for themselves when bullies to try make them to something against their will.

Deny - Bullies will look for targets who will accept their behavior easily, and also who will not tell on them. Many children are so frightened of their bullies that they will deny anything is wrong even when an adult asks them directly. Many children are advised to tell an adult if they are being bullied, and when they do, the bullying often becomes worse therefore it's a given that most children who are targeted by bullies will deny they are being picked on.

Fly Off the Handle - Some children who are naturally hot tempered and typically tend to be "Provocative Targets" can be easily manipulated to explode on cue. These children can have very predictable behavior patterns and other children know just how to push their buttons to get them to explode. When they do, they are the ones who get into trouble which further alienates them. These kids are often ostracized by most of their peers, and know they cannot turn to adults as they learn to mistrust them. They are often disbelieved when they try to tell their side of the story and the adults get so tired of the trouble they stir up that they stop trying to get to the bottom of the equation and punish the one who everyone else is pointing at out of hand. The adults in charge also tend to separate this problem child, to limit their contact with the other kids they are so at odds with. This often causes the target to break down over time and isolate themselves emotionally.

While these are a good general guide to bully relationships, it's important to bear in mind that a relationship is as unique as the individuals who make it up. Targets are people; bullies are people - both have many qualities and assets that define and motivate them. While it may seem to take an inordinate amount of time to sit down and assess a bully relationship, it will save so much more time and headache (not to mention emotional distress on the part of the children) than to simply isolate or give out punishments and expect that to fix it.

　

1 - Definition of relationship, dictionary.com

2 - Dan Olweus is a Swedish phsychology professor, and has spent the past 30 years focusing on bullying behavior and prevention. http://www.clemson.edu/olweus</sup>

3 - <sup>http://www.bullies2buddies.com/Free-Manual/enjoy-our-free-resources.html

In your personal experience with bullies, are you able to connect those within that bully relationship to any of the profiles described by Olweus or Fried? Do you think that identifying these traits can help to resolve conflicts between a bully and a target?

　</sup>