50 Empowering Life Tips



 

1.  Don't wait around for someone to stick a label on you. If you want to be an animal rights activist, be one. If you want to be a human rights activist do that. Whatever you want to be, go be that. Define yourself. If you wait for someone to define you, you're probably not going to be happy with the label they pick.

2. No matter what you're religion or higher power, remember that everything you have ever been given or will be given came from the Earth. Honor the Earth and you will be honoring your higher power.

3. Remember the 60-40 rule. If 60% of your life is going well and 40% of it is failing, you're STILL winning.
4. You're not made of sugar and you're not going to melt in the rain. Whether literal or metaphorical, rain is no excuse to sit inside and complain that you're bored.
5. Everyone has their own standard of beauty. Meeting one persons standard means falling short of anothers. Be the beauty that YOU want to see in the mirror.
6. You are the one and only constant person in your life. You better be good company because guess what? You're stuck with you.
7. Make a goal to try something new every day.
8. Everybody has their own truth. What makes sense for one person won't make sense for another. There are very few “rights” when it comes to how things should be done.
9. When you find yourself in constant conflict, battling everyone around you and suffering one break up after another, then it really IS you. Sorry, but it's true. The good news is that you can fix you.
10. Some people have combative personalities. There's nothing you can do about it and shoving your perspective under their nose won't convince them that you're right. They will argue with you even when they agree with you.
11. Grow a plant, they're good therapy. If you suck at keeping plants alive, get a cactus. Recognize the limitations of your abilities and work with them.
12. Understand that we are all going about our day in the best way that we know how. Nobody is purposely trying to inconvenience you by being in your way.
13. Getting ahead in life rarely results from staying inside your comfort zone.
14. Don't be a sexist or racist ass-wipe. It's NOT going to get you anywhere in life. Really.
15. Finding people who agree with you doesn't mean that you're opinion is superior to another persons, because no matter what your ideology there will always be someone who agrees with it and others who don't.
16. Don't insult children. It's fine if you don't want them, it's fine if you choose not to be around them, but putting down any child will offend every single parent who hears you and you're going to look like a jerk.
17. Also, if you don't have children, keep your mouth shut on how they ought to be raised – especially when your beliefs aren't based on what is best for the child, but on making your life a little more comfortable.
18. None of us know every fact of any situation. Forming solid conclusions about any given person or situation means always being partly wrong.
19. Do get a soapbox. We all need to feel passionately about something, even when we're partly wrong about it.
20. Recovery is only impossible if you're dead. Recovery may not always be a hundred percent, but every situation can always get a little bit better than it is right now.
21. Don't be daunted when faced with an impossible task. Look at the tremendous feats man-kind has performed. A large amount of dirt can be moved by one person, one small shovel at a time.
22. When you feel like your voice doesn't matter, nothing you do can make a difference, remember this: there are other lonely voices who are singing the same tune at the same time. When those voices are all sung in the same direction, what is heard by the recipient is unison. You're never the only one, so sing loudly.
23. Get to know crazy people and weirdos. They will enrich your life in ways you cannot imagine.
24. What you project into the world is what you will receive. Some call this karma. Mostly, it's common sense. There are a few people who manage to be successful assholes, but we know them as the 1%. So that's probably not going to be you. Be nice if you want others to treat you well.
25. Finding a mate isn't about finding your ideal partner, but finding the person who's ideal partner is you. They're not going to be who you pictured yourself with when you were 13 so let go of your expectations.
26. Keep an open mind. Don't forget that life is about learning, first and foremost. You continue learning even up into old age.
27. Most people who are elderly are incredibly wise. Make friends with an old person, they can teach you a lot.
28. I've never heard a person say that they regret traveling too much and seeing the world or learning about other cultures.
29. Remember that the way you see the world is limited to the scope of your vision and another person can be standing right beside you and have a much broader view. This will likely change their opinion of what they are seeing.
30. Pick up trash on the street when you see it. Little things like that can make a big difference when many people do them.
31. Turn about is fair play. When someone shows you loyalty, remember them and repay the favor when you're able.
32. Take care of your body and your body will take care of you.
33. There are superficial jerks in the world, but most of us only want someone who doesn't make us feel badly about ourselves. If you want to make a lot of friends, spend time making a lot of people feel good about themselves. Then you will be genuinely popular, not superficially.
34. Do you ever notice that in movies, we all seem to root for the same person? No matter what our disagreements in life and the fact that as a society we can be so dramatically polarized, when it comes down to it we all just want the good guy to win.
35. In our own minds, we ALL think that we are the good guy.
36. Every substance that exists has it's use, but every substance that exists can be harmful when abused or overused. Moderation is the key to not totally fucking up your life.
37. Surprisingly, the people on television, movies, on the radio etc. aren't trying to entertain you. They are trying to sell you something. There is no exception, their goal is to get you to spend money in their direction, or in the direction of their sponsors.
38. When you say things like, “We didn't need that when I was a kid,” bear in mind how boring the world would be if we weren't changing things up all the time.
39. Being a bully won't get you respect. Remember that the most respected people to have ever walk the earth: Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, Jesus and others were pacifists and they were revered for their gentle natures.
40. Parents: Just remember that they way you treat your children will become the way they treat their own.
41. You can be brilliant, witty and beautiful, but your value to others will always be contingent on what you bring to the table.
42. In very rare instances, you will find a person who loves you even when what you bring to the table is lacking. Treasure those people. That is called unconditional love and very few will ever give it to you.
43. Make stuff up. Make up stories, words, songs, anything you want. If you go looking for something and find that it doesn't exist, make it up. Every innovation and cultural advancement that has ever come about, came from somebody deciding not to follow the rules and make it up.
44. It's never too late to change your game plan.
45. Stop fretting over the things you haven't done and start looking forward to the things you'll get to do.
46. Remember what your basic human needs are and focus on them. Television and Nike's aren't among them.
47. Stop trying to impress people and be someone that others want to impress.
48. The world does not have unlimited money and resources. When you take more than you need, you are taking from someone who needs it. If you are not willing to take less on that score, be mindful of the fact that someone out there is getting less on account of you.
49. Love as many people as you can, nobody ever worries that they're going to have too many people at their funeral.
50. Do what you can to make others feel good. No one in life ever regrets being kind to someone, even when the other person doesn't deserve it.

photo: James Jordan

Bully Resourses

The following are some resources that may be helpful if you or someone you know is experiencing being bullied.

Books

Banishing Bullying Behavior; by SuEllen Fried and Blanche Sosland
Protect Your Child from Bullying; by Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.
The Power of Validation; by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa H. Cook, LPC
Teens & Gay Issues; by Hal Marcovitz
Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard; by Justin Atchin, Sameer Hinduja
A smart kid's guide to social networking online; by David J. Jakubiak
Beating the bullies : twenty inspiring true-life stories of triumph over violence, intimidation and bullying; by Polly Clarkson
Bullying; by Pete Sanders
Dealing With Bullying; by Marianne Johnston


Internet

Bullies2Buddies
Violence Prevention Works
Peace Builders
Stop Bullying Now Stop Bullying BullySafe USE
Bully Free
Cyberbully Hotline


Phone
1-800-273-TALK (8255) - Bully.gov
1-800-448-3000 - Boystown Crisis Center
1-800-273-8255 - Crisis Call Center

1-800-799-7233 - National Domestic Violence

1-800-442-4673 - National Hopeline (Depression & Suicide)

The Anti-Bully Movement - Where Do You Stand?

This is a tough one for me. The truth is, it's hard to just pick a side or even a place on the spectrum and stay there. There are two basic schools of thought. The Anti-Bully Movement itself, which is largely credited to Dr. Dan Olweus, whose primary mission statement claims: "every individual should have the right to be spared oppression and repeated, intentional humiliation, in school as in society at large."

That statement sounds good to me, it makes sense. But critics of the movement claim that according to the definition of bullying, this statement is too inclusive. According to the definition provided on Olweus's website, bullying is: aggressive behavior that is intentional and that involves an imbalance of power. Most often, it is repeated over time.

Most anti-bully programs currently put to use in schools are based on the Olweus school of thought. It sounds good... yet, most experts - even those who a adamant that this is the way to go, admit that bullying continues to get worse, year by year by year.

Critics of the anti-bully movement assertain that the definition of bullying is too broad, and the punishment too harsh. One of the most visible and vocal critics of the movement, Izzy Kalman states that not only do the fundumental principals of the movement create more harm than good, they contribute almost exclusively to the death of Free Speech.

He's not alone in his critism, and I have to admit, the statistics do seem to be backing him up as far as the effectiveness of current protocol.
This summer, I was talking with a very good friend of mine who was having a really tough time with her childs school. She told me a story that I found rather startling, yet, unsurprising.
Two years ago, her son Sean was having difficulty with a female student in his class. According to Sean, this girl was sooooooo annoying and would pester him all day. He started picking on her and being mean to her, in hopes that she could take the hint and leave him alone. Any adult could see that she obviously had a crush on the boy and was trying to get his attention. By not reciprocating, she only pushed harder and became more and more irritating.
At one point, Sean had been telling her to leave him alone and she wouldn't, so he gave her a nasty look and took his index finger and swiped it across his neck: mimicking a slashing movement.
The girl was so offended that she ran home and told her mother, who was beside herself with outrage. She was going to make this boy pay, not for hurting her daughters feelings, but for threatening her daughters life. Sean was ten at the time.
Because of the extremely harsh penalties required by school officials, this boy has taken two years of anti-bully classes, supplimental to his actual school lessons. And the girl? Well, she wasn't quite done with making him pay for slighting her and spurning her advances. Knowing that Sean isn't allowed to be within her vicinity, she will often approach him and demand that he leave the area. If Sean refuses, the girl tells on him and he is forced to leave and also written up. She taunts him and tells him how he damaged her self esteem, forever and that because of him, she has to go to therapy, etc. etc. This girl has the power now and she abuses it every chance she gets. She has become the unintended bully.

When I hear stories like this, Izzy Kalman makes a great deal of sense to me. Heck, when I'm thinking with my head and not my heart, he makes a lot of sense. Abraisive and rude, he says things that most of us don't want to hear. But he often has a point even if he pisses us off when he makes it.

And then, there is the propaganda. The bloody scenes portrayed in our news that spawn our outrage. The tales of children who just couldn't take it anymore and commit suicide because of their bullies cruel behavior and we want to see those bullies punished, by God! The following links and video are examples of the different positions on the spectrum of this anti-bully crusade:

This trailor for the movie "Bully" is extremely heartbreaking and displays the emotional devastation that bullying can cause. Watching this video made me want to throw all of the bullies in jail.



Here is a link to Dan Olweus's anti-bully website Violence Prevention Works I would have provided an article, however, this website offers materials for sale; it does not give out free information on specifically how or why their program works.

I have already provided a few articles written by Izzy Kalman, his website Bullies2Buddies gives several articles and help information. It is often materials and opinions that differ from the socially accepted public opinion. Some of his ideas may even seem ludicrous. The very name of the website implies that we can turn our bullies into our very good friends.

I find that while I am in a more logical frame of mind, much of what Izzy Kalman says makes a lot of sense to me. Not all of it, andd frankly, I think the guy could use some lessons in tact. But he's right about one thing for sure. All the experts agree that bullying in schools is on the rise. Why are we still using anti-bully programs that are proving themselves ineffective?

Bully Scapegoating Syndrome

I read this article a while back that I found pretty much summed up my thoughts when it comes to the publics perception of bullies. I contacted the author to ask if I could republish it, but I did not hear back. Therefore, I will ask readers of this post to please click over and read THIS POST before continuing.

Not to short change you, and leave this page with only a paragraph, I would like to take a moment and discuss why scapegoating bullies is such a huge mistake in our culture.

1. The Constant Victim. As Izzy Kalman put it in previous articles I shared on this blog, anytime a person does something to us that we dislike, the behavior is labled bullying. The word itself has such a nasty reputation and a lot of emotion tied to it. The word BULLY is explosive and most of us cringe when we hear it or see it. So anytime someone does something to us that we don't like, we call them a bully and this automatically makes them wrong. This means that anytime someone does something to us that we don't like, we are automatically right - and ergo, anytime someone behaves towards us in a way that we dislike, we are a victim of bullying. We've done nothing wrong and are simply a victim of a mean nasty bully.

One of the things I wish to do with this discussion on bullying is to take the sting out of the word. By recognizing that we are all bullies and the bullying is a very blanket term, we don't HAVE to feel picked on and victimized everytime someone isn't nice to us.


2. Bandaid Complex. One of the things our culture is famous for is our bandaid solutions to bigger problems. Just because bullying behavior is inherent in all of us as a desire to control our surroundings and those within it - does NOT mean that cruelty is. There is a difference between a pushy person with good intentions and a person who (probably a swell individual) purposely inflicting pain onto another. One of the things that astounded me once it dawned on me was this: I had always considered those who bullied me as being inherently mean spirited kids with little to no emotion. How can they have a heart if they can be so mean? And then it occurred to me that no one else thought this about them, except me. They had a lot of friends and they were well liked. They had great relationships with their parents, teachers and other kids our age. How could that possibly be true?
The answer was that they weren't inherently mean spirited OR devoid of emotion. They were regular kids. The fact is, most bullies are quite nice people, but select one or two peers to take their aggression out on. And if a kid is behaving aggressively, even if it's only to one or two individuals, that should be a huge red flag that the child is having emotional problems and not really coping as well as their parents, teachers and freinds are assuming. By punishing bully behavior, you're slapping a bandaid on a festering wound. The kid who is being bullied needs help, of course, but the one who IS the bully needs it too.

3. Not MY Kid! Lastly, one of the biggest issues I find when trying to resolve bullying issues between children is the parents unwillingness to see their child as that aggressive person. Most parents can remember how much they hated their bullies in school, and when you even mention the word in the proximity of their childs name, they don't want to hear it. They refuse to entertain the notion. They may yell or get angry at the person who made the assertion, storm off with their child and then no one gets the help they are needing.


While this country remains on a mission to stamp out bullying once and for all and make those bullies pay, come hell or high-water, we ignore the fact that one child bullying another is a good sign that the child is in obvious pain. When we adults show aggression towards another, the first thing we often do is try to get that adult help to cope with their anger. Why is this mentality not being applied to our children?
Do you feel there is a way to diminish the negativity surrounding the word bully? Do you think that we should?

When You Witness Bullying

When we think of bullying relationships, we consider the person who is acting as the bully and the person they are targeting. But often the person overlooked, the witness, can be the one with the most power. Witnesses can halt a bully incident in it’s tracks or even prevent one from occuring in the first place. Consider this – bullies often pick on others to gain control or power. Usually, it isn’t simply physical power that they seek, but social dominance. They get it by humiliating another in front of an audience. If the audience turns the tables and condemns those specific actions, and disparages the bully for using them, the behavior is not getting them power but diminishing it.

People who witness bullying and do not stop it can carry the guilt for years. In their book “Banishing Bullying Behavior” by SuEllen Fried and Blanche Sosland, the writers give several personal stories of after adults who were haunted by the bullying they witnessed as teens. One woman reported that she became an anti-bully activist after as an adult, she discovered a girl she witnessed being bullied in school later committed suicide. The fact is, bullying impacts many people, and those who witnesses can be plagued memories of not only have witnessed the events, but the guilt that they stood by and watched.

Whether you call them witnesses, bystanders or onlookers, those who witness bullying and do nothing about it are not all cut from the same cloth and can have a wide range of reasons for not stepping in. The following is a list of profiles created by SuEllen Fried:

· Blockers: Often very sensitive and easily overwhelmed emotionally, some people will instinctively back away from unpleasant things and barricade their emotions.

· Self-protectors: As bullying events unfold, some will do anything and everything they can to protect themselves against becoming a target themselves.

· Judgers: Many students may feel anger towards the victim and frustration that they are not sticking up for themselves.

· Voyeurs: A few people may derive pleasure at seeing another tormented.

· Accomplices: Those that either directly or indirectly support the bully. This can be done by laughing, cheering, or standing in audience.

· Empathizers: Many students feel sorry for the target and wish that they could help them, but they lack the confidence to do so.

· Champions: Those rare individuals with the confidence and wherewithall to intervene on behalf of the target. The more people who can do this, the less power a bully has over their victim.

A study conducted over three years by the US Department of Education and the US Secret Service examined many instances of severe bullying and discovered that 75% of the time at least one person besides the bully knew about the attack before it happened but did nothing to try and prevent it. In fact, most of the time, a bully will tell a friend, sibling, classmate or peer what their intentions are.

Knowing what an impact bullying has on those who witness it, and how much control they can have over a situation, why don’t more people intervene? I’m sure you can think up a couple of answers right off the bat. But the reasons can be just as varied as they many types of people who witness.

· Someone else will step in. This is a very common mentality, and it not only applies to bullying situations. Anytime people witness an incident that requires assistance and no one comes forward, most of them say it was because they were waiting on someone else to do it. Be it a traffic accident, a physical attack, even a person lying on the street in obvious need. We all always seem to be under the impression that superheros are waiting in the wings, ready to rescue those who need it and it’s not down to us.

· Lack of coping skills. We all have different degrees of sensitivity. Some kids, when either witnessing brutality, learning it will happen, or hearing about it after the fact, can become completely overwhelmed with their feelings of dread and fear. They cannot proccess their own emotions, let alone form cognitive plans to halt or report the behavior.

· Fear of retaliation. It is most common for kids to fear bullying. When they become aware of it, their instinct is to protect themselves before others. They don’t want to make themselves a target. Often these kids will go to great lengths to become invisible.

· “Not my problem” mentality. Some kids might assume that if the target would only stand up for themselves, or stop getting so upset, the bullying would stop. They may feel angry or annoyed at the target. They expect the target to fight their own battles and feel that intervening would be pointless, the target will just get picked on again the next day.

· Positive feelings gained by bullying. Some kids may find it exciting to see someone else bullied. Usually this is a strong indicator of insecurity, as they may feel relieved that the bullying isn’t happening to them, and even thrilled to be “let in on” the act. They feel superior to the target simply because they are not the target.

· They wish to participate. Accomplices, voyeurs and others who actively support the bully may have their own agendas. These are often the friends or familiy members of the bully who feel the need to display unwavering loyalty and wouldn’t dream of betraying them. In many cases, a target is chosen by a bully due to some percieved insult or threat they pose to the bully. In these cases, a bully and their accomplices feel justified in punishing the target.

· Not having authority. Most communities, whether they be a school body, home or neighborhood, have a heirarchy. Whether or not it is established vocally or in some way official, it is certainly felt and percieved by all. Those in the middle or the low end of this “chain of command” tend to go with the flow. They know that by not doing so, they will invite bullying from the higher ups in order to put them back in their place. They may often feel awful about the bullying that is happening, but are too uncomfortable of stepping out of place and upsetting the status quo.


So what can kids do? What, as parents, do we need to advise them to do in order to help a person who is in trouble? All of the literature points to three options.

Report to an adult. Kids who are being bullied often feel very isolated to the point that they feel no one is on their side and on one can or would want to help them. They fear going to an adult will only make the bullying worse, and often, this is true. But for a witness, especialy multiple witnesses to report the behavior, not only keeps the target from being blamed but it sends a strong message to the bully that their behavior is not only unacceptable but it will have peer induced consequences. You’ll see in many neighborhoods in the US certain signs that read, “We report to the police!” Adults understand that by letting criminal offenders know that their crimes will be reported is a good way to deter crime in their areas. Many law enforcement officials will tell you that the worst crime happens in neighborhoods where the reisidents are too afraid to speak out against, name, or report those who break the law even when they know exactly who did it. The same can apply towards bullies in schools.

Support someone who is being bullied. Even if you’re too afraid to go to an adult and inform them of the bullying, a sure way to help someone who is being bullied is to be kind to them. As I said above – a target can feel incredibly alone and isolated. They may begin to feel that no one likes them. Bullying can have a very damaging effect on a persons self-esteem and they might even come to the conclusion that everybody who sees them sees what the bully sees. Paying them a compliment, offering to walk home with them, letting them know that you don’t agree with the insults can be a huge relief to a person who is coming to question their own self worth.

Stand up. This can be a very difficult thing to do, but it is often extremely effective. It doesn’t need to be a valiant act of chivalry to include stepping in and taking punches for someone. Often, bullying can be diffused at it’s start with a simple remark, like, “That’s not cool,” or “cut it out.” Again, the more people who reiterate this line of thought, the more effective it is. You can choose NOT to witness. “This is dumb,” and then either walk away or turn away so the bully senses a complete lack of support for what they’re doing or are about to do. It doesn’t need to be confrontational but it sure can be effective.

Witnesses are so very important to the dynamic of bullying and have a great deal of potential to prevent it. There is almost always a witness, if not several of them and many of them probably want to help but either don’t know how or are afraid. It’s certainly understandable. But it’s imperitive to teach our kids in that in those situations the bully will likely not stop until someone stops them and those who are aware of bullying behavior can either support the behavior or help put a stop to it.



What did you do if you saw bullying when you were in school? How is that different from what you would do as an adult, if you witnessed bulling in public, workplace or social gathering?

Cyberbullying

Most parents don’t know how to deal with cyberbullying. It is a relatively new phenomenon that we simply never had to face when we were growing up. In fact, many parents will discount the damage cyberbullying can do. The fact that there is no physical contact involved can make cyberbullying seem like a mild issue. The truth is, cyberbullying is a very serious problem and accounts for some of the most aggressive behavior seen in our youth, which accounts for it’s role in many teen suicides.

Why do kids cyberbully? Why not just pick on each other face to face? What do kids get out of cyberbullying each other? The blanket answer to those questions is convenience.

· Anonymity/pseudonymity: kids can harass and bully each other behind the cloak of invisibility. Which limits the possibility of repercussions and allows a bully to behave in more extreme ways than they would in the real world. People tend to give themselves permission to behave in ways that they wouldn’t dream of in real world just knowing that others will not know who they really are. This is called disinhibition. The fact that a computer screen is in empassive object, and the bully doesn’t have to be exposed to the distress they are causing except in a remote way can also amplify disinhibition.

· Lack of supervion: As kids are often left to their electronic devices, even in their own bedrooms and with little moderation going on in chat rooms, message boards, etc. they know that they can get away with more. Parents don’t often check their youths cell phones and computers, much of the time, the teenagers know far more about them than their parents do. This helps them to hide activities easily that they don’t want their parents to see.

· Viral Nature: The “grapevine” most of us remember from our school days is taken to a new level in todays modern world. Mass emails and texts can spread gossip, rumors or even humiliating videos and pictures instantaneously to a multitude of people. Once it has been sent out, it can be impossible to retrieve as the information being sent is sent and forwarded, copied and reposted again and again. While traditional bullying is typically shared by a few, which is bad enough, cyberbullying is usually shared by an entire community of peers and can drag on endlessly as the “joke” never seems to die.

· Limitless vicitimization risk: The phrase, “tethered to your tormenter” is described in the book “Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard” as the nature of cyberbullying being one of limitless interaction between a bully and target. With traditional bullying, as kids leave school for the safety of their homes, they can catch a break from their harassers and even find solice in the comfort of their family members. But with cyberbullying, they may be pestered day and night with hateful texts or emails. A group of bullies may gang up on a target and bomboard their phone, email or social networking page with threats and hateful messages. Cyberbullying isn’t only limited to interactions over the internet. As it is defined by “Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard, cyberbullying involves the use of computers, cellphones and other electronic devices.

· Email: A bully can send mass emails, making fun of or threatening their target with the click of a mouse. Some social groups report the ability for members to create personalized lists of recipients, tailored to the content they wish to send. As many communities, especially schools but also churches, clubs and other organizations will keep member lists with contact information including email addresses available to other members, a bully can easily compile a list of contacts specific for the purpose of bullying or harrassing a peer.

· Chatrooms: Becausee chatrooms are basically anonymous, many users will say whatever comes to mind with little care for consequences. They can be very hostile places and are commonly avoided by teens who fear being bullied. They are often unchaperoned, and conversations can turn vulgar and hateful easily.

· Voting/Rating sites: There are websites on the internet, whose sole purpose is to allow users to rate a persons appearance. Bullies will sometimes upload a picture of a target, with the intention that they will be rated as “ugly” or “not” (hot) by perfect strangers, they will then send the link to their target. There have been instances where students set up websites such as these, to specifically rate their classmates or teens in their communities. They may title these as, “Vote for the ugliest guy in Nameofschool” and the person with the most votes will be informed of it. For adolescents, who are already typically sensitive about their appearance, a bad rating can be devastating.

· Blogging, virtual worlds, online gaming: Blogs, or online journals such as those hosted by Blogger, Wordpress, Open Diary, Live Journal and others are online diaries where a user can write about various topics. Many teenagers will blog about their lives and everyday situations. As these blogs invite readers to comment, a bully may use this feature to threaten or insult the blogger.

Virtual worlds such as There, Second Life, Active Wolrds, Keneva or IMVU are cyber “realities” or simulated enviroments where users take on avatars to represent themselves and interact as they would in real life.

Gaming sites, such as World of Warcraft, a massivly multiplayer online role playing game, have similar capabilities and as these venues allow users to communicate and interact, the same opportunities for bullying occur within them.

· IM’ing, or instant messaging are a way for people to have a conversation in real time, over a computer. This is often done as a user browses the internet, and unlike chatrooms, is private only to one or a few people who are invited into the conversation. Bullies can harass a target by sending messages over the IM and they may sometimes take on a pseudonym to hide their identiy. If a user knows a targets screen name, they can look them up so that even if the target blocks the identity of the harasser, it is very easy for the bully to make a new identity and go right back to bullying them. Several bullies ganging up on a target can make it difficult for that person nto communicate with their buddies, web surf, or do their homework while on their computer.

Another way a bully may use IM against a target would be that as a friend, they have a seemingly innocent conversation where the target divulges incriminating information and the friend may save the conversation to use against them later. More than one “Best friend” has turned on a pal and told others of a secret that was confided to them. IM’ing allows that to be taken further, as entire private conversations may be recorded and sent in emails or posted on facebook. It’s also possible for an IM to be edited once it has been saved, and many people have been accused of saying things that they hadn’t, but it is impossible to tell whether they did or did not.

· Cellphones: What teenager isn’t attached to their cellphone? While texting is a normal part of most adolescents lives, hurtful or threatening text messages are not uncommon. However, text messaging in school can also be a way for bullies to plan calculated attacks on a target. By now, most phones can capture photos or video. Not only are instances of bulling captured and posted online or sent in emails and texts, but many cameras are being taken into bathrooms or locker rooms to capture embarrassing images. People may even secretly “spy” on others with their cameras in hope of capturing them doing something silly or embarrassing.


With all of those tools available to cyberbully, there are a whole host of uses teenagers today can put them to in order to torment one another.

· Photoshopping: Photoshopping is a term applied to doctoring a photo digitally. This can sometimes be done for comedic effect, where it is obvious to the viewer that the picture has been tampered with. Sometimes, however, it is not always obvious that an image was altered. Photoshopping a target into a compramizing position can humiliate them, or it can get them into serious trouble when they are shown to be engaging in lewd and unacceptable behavior such as performing sex acts, or drinking or doing drugs, and those pictures find their way to parents or people of authority.

· Spreading rumors: Before the internet, rumor spreading was pretty common and was damaging enough when it was simply word of mouth. While traditional gossiping is still a large problem, it is even more problematic when we consider the scope that is available through techonology and the impostering capabilities available today.

· Flaming/Trolling: Flaming is posting hostile messages online which are meant to “inflame” others. This may occur in a chatroom or message board or any venue where comments are welcome. There are people who spend large amounts of time searching out these places and posting hateful comments. On websites where users can post their creative abilities, for instance, flamers might comment that they thought the piece was “total crap” and that the poster should refrain from posting any more. Trolling is similar, except that the troll seeks to insult individuals in a group, not the content of a discussion. Many believe most trolls or flamers are simply bored or angry teenagers who think it’s funny to go around hurting peoples feelings.

· Identity theft: This is a huge problem for many teenagers, just as it is for adults. The implications can be quite serious and therefore I consider this to be one of the most damaging forms of bullying. Identiy theft, or impostering, can occur when an account is “hacked” or hijacked by someone and used under the guise of the real user. It can also occur when a new account is made under the targets name by a person who intends to spread lies about them. Many people who use facebook will tell you that it is not uncommon for a person to walk off and leave their profile open and a friend or relative to post something cute or silly while posing as them. Most of the time, it is obvious that the person has been “hacked”. But it’s not always, nor is it always carelessness on the part of the target that brought about the hijacking. Friends will sometimes share passwords as a sign of trust, only to have that trust breached when an argument arises. Sometimes a bully can guess what a password is. Once an account – whether social network, email, IM, etc. is hijacked for malicious purposes, the bully can send out hurtful messages to their targets friends and contacts in order to get everyone angry at them. They may say things that aren’t true, such claiming to have had sexual encounters or tried drugs or stolen someones boyfriend away, etc. Once an account has been hijacked in this way, it is also then common for the bully to change the password to prevent the target from deleting or altering the content.

· Happy Slapping: This refers to capturing physical bullying on camera or on video, and then sharing it with others. There have been many reports of bullies beating up a target and the footage later posted on Youtube or elsewhere online for all to see. Apart from spreading the humiliation of the target, is the further devastation of the target at having to see and relive the incident again and again in cases where bullies repeatedly send them the images, post them on their social network sites or text it to them.

· Sharing personal information: Before the internet, you would sometimes hear of someones private phone number being posted on a bathroom wall next to a slanderous caption, “for a good time, call Brandy”. The victim of such an act would have to suffer through occasional or an onslought of perverted phone calls and may even have to go as far as calling up the phone company and having their number changed. This scenario is frequently referred to on t.v. shows as comedic fodder, but it used to be a way for a boy to humiliate or degrade a girl after he used her for sex, or used as a revenge tactic by angry girls.

Today, however, the internet has it’s own much more sinister version of this practice. At various online places, a photo of a target may be shared along with their phone number, email, even their home address with a caption requesting sexual partners or abuse. The truly terrifying aspect of this type of bullying is the vastenss of the internet and the fact that this information may be disclosed to very dangerous people who would happily accept the invited request. The bully may feel that the anonymity of the internet will provide them safety if they do such a thing, but there are now detectives who work in or with the police department that can trace posts like this back to their source. Of all of the laws on social ettiquite that have been introduced regarding the internet, sharing ones personal information with the intention of bringing harm or placing them in such danger is among the most highly punished.

With the overwhelming vastness that is cyberbullying to contend with, there are ways parents can help protect their teenagers. And that does not simply mean to keep your child from the internet. As it is so eloquently explained in “Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard”, to deny your child the right to use the internet simply because it can be a hazardous playground would be taking away a useful and even necessary tool that has many great attributes. Many kids have to use the internet for school, and even if they didn’t, it’s not right to punish the target of a bully by taking away their use of technology. Unfortunately, because the whole of cyberbullying is overwhelming, most parents see this as the simplest and most practical solution.

Many youth fear telling their parents when they are being victimized specifically because they fear their parents response will be an undeserved grounding. Besides that, most teenagers will attest that the cyberworld and the real world are so ingrained with one another, any bullying that is unseen by the target in the space of an evening will simply be heaped upon them the next day at school.

So, what can we do as parents? As with most potentially harmful situations, prevention is key. “Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard” recommends the following:

· Maintain open communication.

· Teach your child internet safety, especially from a young age.

· Treat the internet like the rest of the world – do not just allow your child free unlimited access.

· Go online with your child, ask them to show you around and see the places they frequent.

· Monitor their activities and be upfront about it.

· Schools, parents and law enforcement must all work together to keep kids safe on the internet as well as the real world.


They also offer this advice for kids:

· Protect your personal information. NEVER tell anyone on the internet your phone number, full name, or home address.

· Protect your passwords. As much as you may trust a friend, you should never give them the passwords to any of your accounts.


“Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard” also offers this advice if your child has already been targeted for cyberbullying:

· Make sure your child is safe
· Collect evidence
· Contact the school
· Contact the parents of the offender
· Contact the service provider
· Contact police, if threats are involved

In the case where you find your child is using the internet or cellphone to bully others:

· Talk about the hurtful nature of bullying
· Apply reasonable consequences
· Set limits and stick to them
· Consider installing tracking software
· Closely monitor computer/cellphone usage
· Convey firmer consequences if the behavior continues
As important as parents, educators and law enforcement, witness of bullying behavior can play a vital roll in ending bullying behavior. Teach your child what to do if they witness bullying behavior on the internet:

· Document what they see and when they see it · Don’t encourage the behavior · Don’t forwaard hurtful messages
· Don’t laugh at inappropriate jokes
· Don’t condone the behavior just to fit in
· Stand up for the victim
· Tell an adult they trust

Just as it is often up to adults and kids alike to prevent and stop bullying in its traditional sense, we need to do the same for cyberbullying. But as with the size and endless scope of the internet can be hard to detect bullying behavior, it is the very reason parents, educators and even law enforcement must be all the more diligent. Sources
Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard; by Justin Atchin, Sameer Hinduja

Do you monitor your childs online activity? Have you or your child dealt with cyberbullies? How did you handle it?

Bullies - All Grown Up!

Bullies don’t stop being bullies when the reach a magic age. Fortunately, many do reach a point when they become confident enough to not need to put others down to feel good about themselves. However, there are some who never outgrow the behavior. And while some adults who bully were bullies in their youth, not all of them did. Adult bullies may have been targets or witnesses, or never dealt with bullying much at all growing up.

Bullying for adults follows many of the same patterns as it does for adolescents, where a bully uses tactics to intimidate, sabotage, lie to or about, humiliate, frighten and shame. A bully may enjoy making others feel incompetent and powerless, or they may be acting on a feeling of lack of control themselves.

As adults, we may encounter bullies at work, social groups, in public, and at home. At work at work and in social groups, bullying tends to reflect schoolyard behavior. As a thirty-something, I have frequently heard other adults say, “We’re not in highschool anymore,” or “I felt like I did back in highschool, people should just grow up.” The social heirarchy that we as humans are naturally drawn to are present in all groups, even as adults and therefore, we will have those who feel the need to dominate and gain or retain power. I once went to a PTA meeting where the other moms were so catty and snide, one mother ran out in tears and never returned. She was well into her thirties.

Bullying in the work place can be a huge problem, as it effects a persons abillity to do their job. This may even impact their income, and in cases where the person works with or for consumers it can impact the clientelle. While bosses can and do bully their employees, and this is commonly what we think of when we imagine workplace bullying, it is not the only dynamic. Coworkers often bully eachother, even in a group where one person is the target of several. Employees may even bully their boss.

In public, we encounter bullies in many different places. We’ve all seen the movies where a "newcomer" strolls into a bar and is confronted by the biggest meanest guy in the place. Of course, that is only a manifestation of our adult interpretation of aggressive adults. We find bullies on the road, driving agressively and using their vehicles to intimidate others who they feel slighted them by cutting them off or failling to use a turn signal. We may see them in restaraunts or shopping centers berating helpless cashiers. We meet them online in message boards, chatrooms, or comment sections of articles. Adults can be targets of cyberbullies as well as kids. Bullying at home takes on a much more sinister connotation, as we consider the innocence of those so brutally affected. They typically expect their family members to revolve around them and cater to their needs. They may use intimidation, fear, shame, humilation, and even physical force in order to make those in their enviroment comply with their will. They will often take their stress from work or outside of the home out on their loved ones. Of course, we consider these people abusers.

**While most parents who are not abusive do use coercion tactics towards their children in order to get them to do what is needed (clean their rooms, brush their teeth, stop fighting with each other, do their homework, etc. etc.), this “justified manipulation” is not typically considered serious enough to qualify as bullying or abuse. However, I strongly urge all parents (myself included) to examine their own forceful behaviors such as spanking, yelling, forced timeouts etc, to determine what impact this may have on their children in regards to bullying. Many children will bully others when they feel extremely small or powerless at home. It can also go the other way, causing children to be more apt to comply with a bullies orders or accept behaviors they are used to at home. This is simply something to think about.

While most kids who bully are simply called bullies, those who are as adults are usually considered to have some form of personalitiy disorder. Therefore, when looking up profiles of adult bullies, I was met repeatedly with a list of personality and mental disorders. They are as follows:

· Paranoid Personality Disorder

· Antisocial Personality Disorder

· Narcisisstic Personality Disorder

· Histrionc Personality Disorder

· Borderline Personality Disorder

· Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

· Dependent Personality Disorder

· Schitzoid Personality Disorder

· Avoidant Personality Disorder

Those who have any number or combination of personality disorders can display certain character traits, or a specific set of behavior patterns:

They have difficulty developing healthy relationships – either personal or proffessional. They can be argumentative, ignore even minor requests and be quick to explode.

They are egosyntonic, meaning they feel their pathology is a strength and are proud to be the way they are, whereas others view them as harmful or toxic.

They usually lack empathy and either do not realize nor care that their behavior is hurting others. They typically feel that others are overly sensitive.

May have difficulty maintaining proper boundaries – in the workplace, this is described as a person who bullies a coworker, boss or subordinate and then attempts to socialize with them.

They often have irrational beliefs, and feel picked on or slighted when they are not. They may think others are “out to get them”. In the case of spouses, they may feel that the spouse is going to cheat on them, even if the spouse has never given them any reason to feel that way.They often feel judged, and believe that they will be held accountable for the mistakes of others, and therefore they try and control others as much as they possibly can.

Many have hidden agendas, refusing to give permission to their kids or spouse to do an activity, claiming that funds are tight, or there is not time for it etc. when in reality they are attempting to control them. For example: a person might tell their spouse that there isn’t enough gas in the car for them to go visit a friend or relative, when the real reason they do not want their spouse to go is because they are operating with the irrational belief that the spouse may “meet someone” or engage in harmful activities.

Those with personality disorders frequently lack emotional intelligence. They cannot disagree in a respectful way and become inexplicably angry when dissagreed with. They may resort to name calling and insults that most would consider immature or below the belt. They are often quick to explode and can be completely irrational in an argument.

Exhibit a lack of adaptability when performing skills. Often, they will have but one skill that they can do well, and expect that skill to be done their way at all times. They can become hostile towards others who think they know better or who try to do things differently.

While most adult bullies are considered to have a personality disorder, I ran across a term during my research, “JPM”. It stands for Just Plain Mean. Sometimes people just aren’t nice. A person going through a really hard time can become difficult to work with or live with. If a coworker has begun to show hostility toward others, it could be a result from the nasty divorce and custody battle he is embroiled in. If a wife becomes a bear at home and seeks to control all of those in her household, it is quite possible that she is stressed from her job. Likewise, kids and teens frequently become combative and argumentative when they are dealing with problems at school or with their friends.

When you are dealing with a bully as an adult, you often have no authority to seek for help. You can’t go to your parents or teachers and have them punish the bully. There are, however, avenues and channels to go through. If you’re dealing with a coworker or a group of them, you can try discussing your issues with your boss. If your boss is the bully, they likely also have a boss. But office (or nonoffice) politics can be hairy and it’s understandable that asking for help can be a difficult thing to do. Not all bosses will be receptive or will want to hear about your issues with others. You want to avoid being a “whiner” or seem incapable. It’s usually a lot easier and effective if more than one person reports the behavior. Many companies have rules in place for employee or boss behavior and departments that are devoted to itrapersonal relations within them. If they are available, use them. Remember that there are often laws in place to protect workers from some specific types of bullying.

In dealing with social groups, you often have no one to turn to for assistance, and may be faced with the prospect of leaving the group. If your friends are not supportive, although it can be hard, finding new friends and social groups can be good for growth.

When confronted with a bully in public, just bear in mind that you don’t have to face this person more than once, usually. Avoidance is the best key, there is no shame in walking away.

Dealing with a bully in your home can have a whole lot of issues. You cannot call your husbands mother and tattle on him when you feel like he’s being a jerk. But if you feel that your spouse has a personality disorder – and even if they don’t, it is very important that you seek help through mental health professionals. If you cannot get your partner to go to councelling, go yourself. Your therapist can help you find insight as to why you tolerate the treatment, and give you advice on dealing with their behavior. If your spouse is outright abusive to you or your children, it can be very hard to admitt it and even harder to ask for help. But help is absolutely available in many different forms.

It is a large misconception that bullying ends when we leave school, or that it is a problem specific to those who are underage. Many of us takelonger to grow up than others. Those who bully due to personality disorders often hone their techniques, even to the point that those in a bully situation don’t realize the extent they are being controlled. Recognition is the first step, and as we assess those around us and how they impact our behavior, personal assessment is also a good idea to practice. Ask yourself: Are you a bully?

Adult Bullying: Perpetrators and Victims; by Peter Randall

The Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies & Bullying at Work; Margaret R. Kohut

Do you have adults in your life who bully you? How do you deal with "toxic" coworkers or family members? How do you deal with bullies when you meet them out in public?

Our Bully Culture Part 2

Thanks Heather, for helping to put this together!
This second article on our bully culture is a compilation of music videos and links to other articles that relate to bullying.


Videos:

The True Meaning of The Golden Rule: Love Your Bullies

By Izzy Kalman

The Golden Rule: It's the ultimate, all-encompassing rule of morality, promoted by every religion and ethical system. Today, many anti-bullying organizations are touting the Golden Rule as the solution to bullying. However, as I will be explaining, very few people actually understand what it comes to teach us.

While the term the Golden Rule (I will refer to it as GR for the rest of the article) was coined only a couple of hundred years ago, the rule has been recognized for thousands of years. Its most familiar formulations are: Love your fellow/neighbor as yourself; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; Whatever is hateful to yourself, do not do to others.

2400 years ago Aristotle made a logical proof that the best way to live our lives is the GR. He explained that if everyone lived by the GR, we wouldn't need government–we would all get along nicely without any human authority over us (according to Mortimer Adler in the book, Aristotle for Everyone). Two thousand years ago, the Jewish sage Hillel, when asked "to explain the Torah [the Jewish body of rules for life based on the Bible] while standing on one leg," said, "Whatever is hateful to yourself, do not do to others–all the rest is commentary."

It's obvious that if people lived by the Golden Rule life would be terrific. Relationships would be ideal. Bullying would cease to be a problem. If the entire world lived by the Golden Rule, there would be Peace on Earth. It's also obvious that it's impossible to be living ethically if we are violating the GR. So why don't the social sciences and the mental health professions teach the practice of the GR? Why is bullying an escalating problem? Why are we still afraid of World War III? Why has the GR failed to accomplish its purpose?

I believe it's because of two general reasons.

One reason the social sciences and mental health professions don't teach the practice of the GR is that the GR has become associated with religion, but psychology is science, and science is divorced from religion. So we don't even consider the GR.

But the GR is not a religious rule. It says absolutely nothing about a god or a higher power. You can be an atheist and still cherish the GR. As I will be explaining shortly, the GR is actually a scientific psychological rule. It is a simple formula for defusing aggression and creating harmony.

The other reason is that very few people understand what the GR is really about. Some people, including intelligent, educated ones, believe it means that we have to do to others exactly what we want for ourselves. For example, let's say I'm going to buy you a necktie as a gift. If I like red neckties, I should give you a red necktie even though you may prefer blue, because I like red. That is an infantile interpretation of the GR.

Many people believe the GR means that it is important to be nice to people.
But that's not its purpose. We do not need the GR to inform us that it is important to be nice to people. It is obvious that it is important to be nice. The problem is, What do we do when people aren't nice to us? Our entire lives we are being taught how important it is to be nice. So when someone is mean to us, how do we respond? My God! They're not allowed to treat me that way! I am always nice to everyone! How dare they be mean to me?! So we get angry. We want to get them punished. We want revenge.

What the GR really means is, We should be nice to people even when they are mean to us. Read the Sermon on the Mount, the compendium of Jesus' moral instructions for people. (When I refer to Jesus in this article, I am not talking about him religiously. It is up to you whether you believe he is divine or mortal or even existed. I am strictly talking about his wisdom, his philosophy, as presented in the teachings attributed to him.) He talks about the GR. He says it is not about being nice to people who are nice to us. Anyone can do that. That comes naturally to us. Jesus says that even the tax collectors can do that–and Jesus was not particularly fond of tax collectors. Jesus says it's about being nice to people even when they are mean to us, and he gives us many examples. He says, love your enemy; turn the other cheek; if someone asks you to carry something for a mile, carry it for two miles; if someone wants your coat, give them your jacket, too. He says, don't get angry. This means, of course, don't get angry at people when they are mean to us. (We don't get angry at people when they are nice to us.) Jesus understood this perfectly, but very few others do.

(The truth is that there are entire cultures that understand the true meaning of the GR, and they live in incredible harmony. One such people are the Ladakhis, who I wrote about in a recent blog entry. The book about them, Ancient Futures, never even mentions the words the Golden Rule, but the description of their way of life matches the GR precisely).

Allow me to explain how the GR works scientifically/psychologically.

We are biologically programmed for what I refer to as the Rule of Nature, or what many social scientists refer to as the Law of Reciprocity. This means that I will treat you the way you treat me. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice back, and if you're mean to me, I will be mean back.


In nature, if you are nice to me, you are probably my friend, so it is safe for me to be nice in return, and it will benefit both of us. If you are mean to me in nature, you are probably a real enemy trying to injure me or kill me. I had better not be nice to you when you are trying to injure or kill me or I'll make it even easier for you. In fact, I had better be even meaner to you than you are to me or I'm going to be a big loser!

If you think about it, you'll realize that we are all biologically programmed for reciprocity. When someone is being genuinely nice to you, do you feel like being mean back? Of course not. You feel like being nice back. And when someone is being mean to you, do you feel like being nice back? No. You feel like being mean back. We can control our responses, but this is what our guts tell us: to be nice to those who are nice to us and mean to those who are mean to us. With the exception of some people who have serious neurological or emotional disturbances, we are all like this. No one had to teach it to us or we wouldn't all be like this.

But even the Rule of Nature/Law of Reciprocity creates a fair amount of harmony. If you observe creatures living in nature–including humans–you will notice that they spend far more time being nice to members of their own group than they do being mean. That's because we discover that when we are nice to others, they tend to be nice back, and when we're mean to others, they tend to be mean back. So we figure out by ourselves that in general it pays to be nice to others.

The GR makes a higher level of harmony possible. It actually takes advantage of our programming for reciprocity. And this is how it works.

If I live by reciprocity, I have very little control of my relationships. If you are nice to me, I will be nice in return and we will be friends. However, if you are mean to me, I will be mean in return and we will be enemies. The GR puts me in control. I will be nice to you even when you are mean to me. Why? Because how long can you continue being mean to me when I am always nice to you? Before long, you are going to start being nice to me because you are biologically programmed to treat me the way I treat you.

The GR is the therefore the ultimate empowerment. It is the solution to being a victim. A victim reacts. A victim's behavior is therefore controlled by the bully. But in order to not be a victim, we must act independently of the bully's actions. we treat them like friends even when they treat us like enemies. And that way we end up controlling them.

Treating people like friends does not mean that we must give them everything they want. We can be hurting people by giving them everything they want. We can be spoiling them, enabling them or helping them become bad people. The GR requires us to say "no" to people sometimes, but we are to do it nicely, without anger. Nor does the GR mean that we must let people abuse us, injure us or kill us. We are required to protect ourselves and to stop others from hurting us. The GR even requires us to kill people if there is no other way to stop them from being murderous. But it is not because we hate them. It is because we love them and they give us no choice.

Anti-bully activists have been trying to promote the GR. They have adopted the GR as their motto, and they gets kids to wear rubber bracelets engraved with the GR. However, the activists don't truly understand the GR. They believe it means, Don't act like a bully. They are really promoting reciprocity: We will be nice to you if you are nice to us, but if you bully us, we will have no tolerance for you and we will get you punished ("administered consequences," in current jargon). What the anti-bully activists don't realize is that the GR really means, Don't act like a victim!

Someone once showed me a letter written by a school principal to the students of the school. It explained how important it is to live by the GR. The concluding paragraph said (the following are not the exact words, but they're pretty close): "So you have to live by the GR in school, and if you don't, we will have no choice but to punish you." Sorry, Mr. Principal, but that is a violation of the GR. How would you like it if some authority figure went around punishing you whenever they decided you didn't treat someone the way s/he wanted to be treated?

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus says outright that the GR is a rejection of reciprocity:

You have heard that it has been said, You shall love your neighbor, and hate your enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for those who despitefully use you, and persecute you. (Matthew 5:43-44)

Loving our enemies is the true purpose of the GR.
We don't need to be instructed to love our friends because that comes naturally to us. When it comes to enemies, though, our natural instinct is to hate them. However, that only escalates their hatred for us in return. Now, how would you like it if your enemies loved you? Wouldn't it be terrific? They wouldn't be your enemies anymore! So just as we would like our enemies to love us, we need to love our enemies.

If we were to replace our zero-tolerance-for-bullying policies with this simple expression of the GR–Love your enemy (bully); be nice to people even when they are mean to you–bullying would disappear. And if we were to teach it on an international level, we might achieve peace on earth.

No other way is possible. We can't practice intolerance of bullying, hoping that it will lead to a society in which intolerance no longer exists. We can't conduct war against other countries hoping that it will lead to a world without war. The only way to lead to a world that lives by the GR is by living by the GR now.

Disclaimer: While I teach the meaning of the GR, I don't claim to be a model of it. There are people who live by the GR much better than I do without ever having been taught the rule. I often forget to apply it, and people who know me can attest to it. So if you wish to accuse me of being a hypocrite, I will be the first to agree!

***************** This article is republished with the expressed permission of Izzy Kalman, from his website: http://bullies2buddies.com. Izzy Kalman is a nationally certified school psychologist who has specialized in helping children cope with bullying for the last 15 years. He is well published, created many programs, and created the website bullies2buddies which is full of free online resources. Izzy's mission is not to stamp out bullying, which he feels is impossible, but give kids the proper tools to deal with it.


Do you believe Kalman is right about his interpretation and effect of the Golden Rule? Would applying it as he suggests stamp out bullying?

The Teen Culture

Once a child discovers the world outside of family, they begin to feel the pressure to fit into it. In early childhood, a childs focus is on family that is their world. As the child gains independence, the role of peers becomes their focus. These peers are supposed to help them transition from childhood to adulthood, and sometimes it can be a treacherously painful journey.

A childs group of friends will serve as a “home away from home,” make school less lonely, and serves as a panel to help her learn who she is. Large groups of kids, such as a class or student body go through a rigorous peer imposed sorting. Kids divide themselves into groups by common interests, financial status, and sometimes outside social arenas such as churches or groups of family friends or sports teams. These naturally occurring groups are not a bad thing. Sometimes they take on a leader or two, as some children naturally lead and others follow, so that even the group has it’s own individual hierarchy within it.

Once the group takes on an aura of exclusivity, it has become a clique and suddenly, the only people who are allowed into the group are those deemed worthy enough, usually by the leader. A child who is not in any group or clique may become an easy target for the free-roaming bullies or the leaders of the cliques. Reading the description of a middle-school cafeteria in the book “Cliques” by Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese brought up strong mental images of a prison yard, with it’s segregated population into gangs. The need for new prisoners to join a gang for protection is absolute. I believe that it is also crucial for adolescents to find a group of friends to shield them from the bullies and other various groups. The more powerful the “gang” or social clique, the stronger the protection from peer torment. Duh!

As with real gangs, cliques also have a strict code of conduct. The leaders determine who the group members are allowed to talk to, sit with, dress like, date, even what to watch, read or like. Being excluded from a clique can be hard, and being in one isn’t always a picnic either, as the members have to adhere strictly to the rules and have to deal with the constant stress of measuring up to the cliques ideals. None the less, our children understand on a very primal level the “dog eat dog” atmosphere of the social scene, and that joining a clique can be a matter self-preservation, socially speaking. To a twelve year old, that is everything.

According to “Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity” by Patricia and Peter Adler, the infrastructure of the average middle school can be broken up thus: 35% popular clique, 10% popular fringe, 45% middle friendships, 10% loners. Most of us can attest that it was the same way back when we were in school, regardless of our current age, or how long it’s been since we stepped into a middle school cafeteria. And while the names of the various groups change along with the hair and clothing styles, they are, by and large the same types of groups throughout our modern history. According to an article by John Kelly, for TLC Family, these are the current groups of kids today:

• Geeks - defined by their obsessive knowledge on specific topics, geeks can be trendy or nerdy.
• Jocks - atheletic types, jocks usually don sports wear, but since they typically play sports for school, letterman jackets are often a part of their attire.
• Skaters - the name skaters is not so very new, I remember skaters from 20 years ago. But before they were skaters, they were surfer wannabe’s.
• Outsiders/Loners - don’t typically fit into a specific group. They stand alone either by choice, or force.
• Hipsters - think hippies, indie’s, bohemians, etc. they have a flare for the arts and an eclectic quality.
• Scenesters - the new “punk,” scenesters are cutting edge. They typically dress very trendy.
• Emo Kids - some say emo’s are also scenesters, however, they are considered the new goth. They dress all in black, and simply “emote” their emotions.
• Preps - will there ever be a world without preps? Preppies, yuppies, squares, straights, preps have been around for a very long time and I doubt they need an explanation.
• Nerds - typically brainy and socially awkward. They spend their high school years being jammed into lockers, only to wind up being the boss later on.
• Mean Girls - In the 80’s they were valley girls, in the 90’s they were barbies. They’ve lost their glamorous title and are referred to as how they are commonly perceived.

While we, as parents, can stive to help our children gain self-esteem, teach the importance of individuality, tolerance and self-respect, kids will still feel compelled to fit in. The peer crowd is like a social mirror. While some loners are comfortable and confident enough to not try to belong, the are the rare exception. Most kids take rejection as a direct personal fault and acceptance as a evidence of their base superiority. Of course, we parents know better, but try telling them that!

There are, however, things that we can do to help our children gain self-acceptance, even if they are not getting it from their classmates. First, some don’ts:

Don’t dismiss your childs need to fit into a group, or their troubles with their peer group when they express them to you. This is pretty much the way the older generations handled it, was to tell the kids that it’s no big deal, get over it, it’s not important. But challenging your childs belief that social acceptance is important will only create more self-doubt and reinforce their fears that their feelings are too small to matter. Let them know that you understand why their feelings are hurt and that it’s normal to be upset over (insert social crisis). Don’t go into a longwinded trip down memory lane, trying to relate. They don’t care about what happened 20 years ago and shifting the conversation to yourself when they are opening up to you will give them a sense that once again, their feelings are secondary. It’s enough just to validate their emotions and reassure them that anybody would be angry or sad about what’s happened. Sometimes, even if you can’t help, or even offer useful advice, it’s enough for them to find comfort in a sympathetic ear.

Don’t reject their friends. Unless your son or daughter is in that elite coveted group (and sometimes even when they are), they will wonder if their friends are good enough. Your child is trying to please, or at least be accepted by a lot of people and they frequently doubt their choices. Even if it doesn’t appear that they care what you think, they really do. By rejecting their friends, you are by extension, rejecting a part of them - the part that likes that person. And they really don’t need the extra criticism. Unless their friend (or boyfriend or girlfriend) is someone that you feel will truly bring them into harm, it’s best to at least give the appearance of an open mind.

Don’t play up the importance of social wins and fails. Bringing up social failures that you witness is like rubbing salt in the wound, and can even make your child feel judged. While it’s normal to want to try and make them feel better about it, don’t go on about it unless they bring it up and ask you for advice. Likewise, raving on about how popular they are can make them feel overly-anxious about losing their status - as if they aren’t already worried about that!

Here is what you can do:

Do ask your child about the different groups in school and if you can get them to, explain the social hierarchy as they see it - including who is “in” and who is “out”. Be careful though, if they sense that you’re fishing to find out what their popularity status is and it’s one that they are not proud of, they may become overly defensive and fear criticism coming.

Ask them about their past friends that they no longer hang out with, and where they ended up in the hierarchy of their environment. Once your child begins to open up, they may let you know where he or she feels they fit. Going through this can also help your child gain insight and social awareness which can be a powerful tool, even if it is only used for comfort in knowing.

Explaining the positives and negatives to your child of each station can can give them a world of perspective. This clarity can reinforce their confidence in their current position when they learn that there is no perfect place to be.

Popular kids: The other side of the coin, the ugly side of it, many would say, is that popularity exacts a heavy price. Inside the “inner circle” there is always jockeying for the top spot or to try and be as close to the leader as possible. As these kids often work very hard to earn their placement, they still have to work hard to maintain it. As the who’s in and who’s out saga can change on a dime and is nearly constantly changing, popular kids understand that one tiny slip is all it takes to send them toppling to the bottom or even get them expelled from the group. Sometimes, they don’t even have to make a mistake for someone to usurp their position. They always watch their backs. If that is not stress for one child to have to deal with, there’s more. The pressure for “cool kids” to maintain their status can be so intense that they feel forced into risky behaviors much more frequently than others kids do. “Just Say No” isn’t an option for someone who wishes to hold fast to their placement in a clique. Drinking, drugs and sex are not only prevailent to this group, for many, it’s a rule.

Popular Fringe: The popular fringe are the kids who hover around the popular crowd. Sometimes in, sometimes out, forever at the beck and call of the elite who they consider their authority. Often referred to as “wannabe’s” Many kids seem to feel pity for these fringe kids, who they feel trade their self respect for momentary forays into the spotlight. Deep down they often know that the popular kids will never truly let them in, but they insist on chasing them anyway.

Friendship circles: Making up the main, these kids aren’t the most popular and they do get teased, but for the most part they feel content. These kids feel very free to be their authentic selves and do as they please. To a popular kid, or one seeking popularity, being a geek or a nerd would seem to be a total nightmare. Yet, geeks are geeks and nerds are nerds and for the most part, they make no attempt to hide that fact or pretend to be something they are not. Why? Because their integrity is more important to them than unstable temporary power. Being occasionally mocked and ridiculed is worth the personal freedom that their station allows. For the most part, they enjoy true self acceptance - something that the popular kids - or those seeking popularity rarely have and do not gain until they have toppled from their pedestal.

Loners: There can be, on occasion, those kids who choose to isolate themselves from others. There are many people who are antisocial and prefer their time alone rather than hassle with people in a group. Most, however, are isolated through years of rejection by their peers. These kids can carry huge amounts of pain and anger toward those who constantly insult them for no reason, and those who stand by and watch. They are susceptible to depression, drug and alcohol abuse or violence. The good new about these kids, is they enjoy the utmost sense of personal freedom. And it should be noted that of the smartest, most talented and ultimately most successful adults, most claim that they were outcasts as teens. Indeed, their solidarity may well have allowed them time and opportunity to grow in ways that brought about their success.

True success of the healthy minded youth when it comes to social status is not to gain popularity and peer acceptance, but to gain self-acceptance. Personal identity does not have to reflect social identity and they do not have to accept the labels that their peers have placed on them. They don’t have to think badly of themselves if others do. Many people are well into adulthood before they realize this. Help your child to learn true self-acceptance, and they will have the ultimate social edge.

“Cliques” by Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese
“Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity” by Patricia and Peter Adler

When Friends Are Bullies ~ Recogonizing When Your Child is in a Controlling Relationship

While I had my reservations and concerns about this friendship, I did not know how valid those concerns were until well after the fact. Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.

 

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As our children experience the world around outside of the home we create, they will experience a broad range of people and relationships. It's important to be a supportive bystander of these relationships, because they are imperative for helping children develop social skills, healthy attachments and learn about themselves. Not all of these relationships will be healthy. When our child experiences a relationship that is damaging to them in some way, it can be hard to recognize and it can also be difficult to know how best to handle it.

A couple of years ago when my son Aaron was ten, he met a boy from down the street and they became instant friends. It became obvious early on that they would be best friends and were soon inseparable. I will call this boy Parker.

Aaron seemed infatuated with him, and that was fine with me in the beginning. I kept a close eye out, because I felt that level of interest could be bad news. I'm not talking about any suspected romantic tendencies, but I knew my son was impressionable, eager to please, and couldn't stand to not have someone like him.

Parker didn't really have any friends and I thought at first it was because of his torn frumpy clothes, messy hair, occasional knock-me-over body odor and I knew that he was terribly neglected by his mother. His father worked late hours and was rarely around. When he was around, he let the boy do whatever he pleased and often crossed appropriate parental boundaries, which I will touch on later. The stories Parker told me from home were pretty heartbreaking. I was glad he had my son, even if he had nobody else.

After a few months, I began to notice things that bothered me. Whenever we had other boys over and Parker showed up, the other boys would leave. However on occasion, Aaron was able to talk the boys into staying and that's when the real problem made itself clear. Anytime another boy didn't do exactly what Parker wanted, he would begin name calling and insulting them. I was really shocked at some of the things he would say.

The kids would be playing tag football and Parker would get angry if he wasn't given the ball. Suddenly his "friends" were all idiots and morons. When he was with Aaron and a third boy, he would chase the third boy off by berating the other kid.

The other boys would normally call Parker out on his behavior and stick up for themselves but Parker would only become more insulting - he would say that he was only joking and the boys were too sensitive. I heard him tell a boy, "maybe you should go check with your mommy to see if she has your balls!" and other dehumanizing remarks. Anytime another boy became upset over the mean things Parker said, he made them question their feelings and continued making them feel worse, a behavior called "gaslighting." This is a clear indicator of mental and emotional abuse. Because of this, all of the kids avoided Parker like the plague... Except my son.

By the time I realized this dynamic, Aaron and Parker were two peas in a pod. Sometimes Aaron would come home from Parkers upset if he was pushed too far, but he refused to talk to me about it. Like many who are being manipulated by someone they care about, he was protective of his friend. I talked to him frequently about Parker's manipulation tactics but Aaron insisted that he wasn't like that with him.

I knew that if I demanded Aaron not see Parker anymore, it would be unlikely he would listen. He was too enthralled, and I knew that I couldn't watch him all 24 hours of the day. Not only would he see Parker at school and in the neighborhood and I couldn't completely prevent the two from getting together, my disapproval of Parker at this point would only drive my son further from me and closer to his friend. It's a conundrum that many parents of teens and adolescents are familiar with. I also couldn't say a single word about Parker without my son becoming angry and defensive of his friend.

As time went on, I would do my best to make sure Aaron knew he could come to me with any problems he was having. I kept a watchful eye, ear and heart. I knew that my son was being bullied and manipulated by his dear friend but couldn't see it. Parker could be very nasty when he wasn't given his way - he could also be just as rewarding with praise when the person he was controlling did what he asked.

One day, Aaron came in me in distress. He couldn't take it anymore and wanted help out of the relationship. He told me that Parker had taken some of his dads alcohol and would drink it in the mornings before school. He was pressuring Aaron to drink it too, and he didn't want to. He felt it was a matter of time before Parker persuaded him into it. Not only that, but Parker had stolen some of his parents cigarettes and was smoking them, when he was caught by his dad. Aaron was there when Parker was caught, and Parker told his father that Aaron was smoking too. Aaron swore to me he didn't, and felt deeply betrayed that Parker would lie on him and try to get him into trouble. While Parkers dad didn't believe that Aaron wasn't smoking, he agreed to keep is secret and not tell me, my husband, or even his own wife, as a "favor."

Now not only were red flags being waved, glaring alarm bells were ringing complete with sirens and flashing lights. No way was my kid going back to this boys house. Parker was getting into some pretty dangerous behavior and determined to get my son to participate - but now his father was keeping secrets for him and that terrified me.

I wasn't angry at my son, but he wanted help avoiding Parker and so I agreed to ground him. We made up an excuse and I thought this would be the end of it. My son could be grounded for months and in that time, the boys would grow apart.

I later found out that Aaron had been going to Parkers house in the mornings before school instead of the bus stop, and that Parkers father was giving both boys a ride to school. I was livid to discover this, and grounded Aaron for real this time. I let him know that one of my biggest concerns was whether Parkers dad had sexually abused him. I told him what made me fear this, and that made him open up to me more. I again told Aaron that I was worried Parker could be unbalanced, even dangerous, and what behaviors to watch out for. Violent tendencies, abuse of Parkers little sister at Parkers hands, cruelty to animals were all on the list.

After two weeks of being confined to the house, Aaron finally began to express relief at being away from Parker. And after another month, Parker and his family moved away. It was another two months before my son felt safe enough to divulge everything he knew about his friend. I was horrified to discover that my concern about violent tendencies and cruelty to animals was legitimate.

Four years have passed and my husband and I have counseled our son a great deal. We only found out about the extent of Parkers behavior well after the family had moved away, there was no one we could talk to about getting the boy some help - not that we have any confidence that Parkers parents would have gotten him any if they had believed us. We have been working with our child and teaching him lessons and skills that we hope will make him less vulnerable to manipulation in the future.



Have you ever been in a controlling relationship? Did you need help getting out of it, or were you able to get out of it on your own? How would you help your child if you believed your child was being controlled by one of their friends?