Why Are You Mad? Turn Off the T.V. and Meditate!

Welcome to the Fabulous Hybrid Blog Carnival. Our topic this spring is Change! This post was written for inclusion in the quarterly Blog Carnival hosted by The Fabulous Mama Chronicles and Hybrid Rasta Mama. This month our participants reflect on change in all of its many forms. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Two nights ago just before dinner, I was setting the table. I was in a cheerful mood. I was looking forward to the food I had cooked and spending a good half an hour catching up with my teenagers who had been playing their video games for the past hour, or surfing the Internet. I noticed my two preschoolers were happy, and as we sat down to eat, the teenagers seemed like they were in a good mood as well. Then... I wasn't sure what happened. Somehow, a few minutes into the meal, my oldest boy was just mad. I looked at the other and he was mad too. My four year old started crying. My stress level shot up almost instantly. The kids all started yelling at each other. I just sat there with my mouth open for a second. What - the - heck?!

After calming the boys down and soothing the little girl, I looked at my nearly 13 year old and asked, "Why are you mad?" He thought for a moment and exclaimed, "I don't know!" I asked my 14 year old the same question. He opened his mouth, shut it, opened it, shut it, and finally said he didn't know either. The little one was crying because she is so sensitive to peoples moods and could just feel the hostility radiating from the boys. I ended up sending the younger one to his room to cool off, and it hit me. They had so much stress built up that as soon as they had a calm moment, it spilled out of them. Where did the stress come from? I believe it came from the activities they were doing just before supper.

I am a long time practitioner of yoga. That being said, I'm not that flexible and as I have had many breaks from yoga over the past decade, I'm kind of bad at it. I'll get better with practice, and then I just get busy with life and forget. But each time I delve back into the calming soothing world of meditation and asanas (yoga postures), I study it further and learn more about the spiritual side of the practice. Yoga, you see, is not an excersize program. It's a lifestyle and the poses practiced in many gyms and health spots here in the western world is but 1/8th of the experience. But this article isn't to teach you about the many limbs of yoga. There are very many books written by yogi's and guru's who have far greater knowledge than my limited understanding.

I recently read this passage in a book called "B.K.S. Iyengar Yoga, The Path to Holistic Health" written by the man himself. This man, Iyengar, is one of the truly beautiful people in the world and just reading snippets from his life and philosophy are enough to create my unwavering respect and devotion to his teachings. According to Iyengar, "The five organs of perception, the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, and skin, are the gateways to the mind. For better control of the mind, the senses need appropriate nourishment. Soothing music for the ears, soft, natural light, or beautiful , peaceful scenery for the eyes, and fresh pure air and the scent of flowers for the nose, all help to nourish the mind. The tongue needs nutritious, delicately flavored foods. The skin should be kept clean and soft, and supple. Finally, the mind must be nurtured by developing clarity of thought." - Clarity of thought, is often what I think of when I read or hear the word "mindful" in use, when not in reference to meditative practice.

How many times have you spent an afternoon at a playdate or had your kids' friends over, or hosted a party (or just had a crazy busy day!), and as soon as you're on your own in the calm and quiet, you put in a movie you've been meaning to watch? Or put on loud music to clean up? The truth is, we all do similar things. We sit down to relax with video games, or t.v. or loud music. Even the Internet can cause us a great deal of stress from Facebook posts that irritate us, chat room arguments and message board debates. And there is nothing wrong with enjoying these things, but I feel it's important do address what these Outside forces do to our delicate emotional construct.

Stress is a physical reaction to overwhelming senses, just as much as it is an emotional response to having a lot of negative thoughts and pressure. You may not realize it, but just playing a video game causes your facial and neck muscles to tense, you often hold your breath, your body is releasing stress hormones into your blood stream to trigger your heart to beat faster and bring up your adrenalin levels to enable you to either fight or flight. But there is no need to go anywhere, no adversary to physically challenge. The same thing happens when we watch t.v. shows or movies with a lot of action or drama. Humans are highly emotional beings and in this modern world we often feel without realization. So when you or your child is spending time in front of the t.v. or computer, they (or you) are so tuned out of their bodies and focused on the action on the screen, that they are dulling their minds abilities to detect changes in their own selves. A perfect example of this, is when people eat in front of the t.v. A person might take a bowl of popcorn or a bag of chips to sit on the sofa and before they know it, they have eaten the entire bowl or bag. They are so enraptured by the moving screen and what is going on Outside, they failed to feel it when they became full, or even when they became so full that it began to cause physical pain.

This inability to feel our own bodies is becoming increasingly alarming. Studies have shown that one cause of obesity is that many people today can no longer distinguish between thirst and hunger and wind up eating when they're body is actually parched. So they in turn become dehydrated and sluggish - which they rapidly remedy with a caffeine beverage or a sugary snack. The fact is, humans are not meant to live like this. And this disconnect with our bodies causes an underlying sense of chaos. Allowing the Outside world to overwhelm our senses amplifies this chaos by causing unnecessary stress that we may not even be aware of.

For instance, my husband is a fan of daytime t.v. At least, if he has the day off he will get bored and because we do not have cable, he will turn on Springer or Judge Joe Hatchet to keep himself entertained. I find I get very irritable and unduly upset if I watch or even listen to these shows. I have to leave the room. I simply refuse to subject myself to stress if I don't need to. I also intentionally stay out of emotionally charged places on the Internet, such as debate message boards or the comment threads on controversial articles. While there is a time to devote to such activities, it is not the right time when I am either trying to relax, or when my sour mood might be taken out on others who don't deserve it.

Instead, I use my relaxation time to do things that actually relax me, like Iyengar proposes. Soft, calming music. An activity that I can do quietly, like knitting or painting or hand sewing. A quiet bath (that does not include children beating on the door), and I also make a point to meditate as often as I can, even if I can do this several times a day. I try to focus on the effect Outside influences are having on my mind, body and soul, so I have better control on how I am affecting the world around me. When I feel angry, what other emotions or physical sensations am I ignoring? What is going on internally and externally to cause these feelings? Meditation can help bring one Inside themselves, to better identify when something is off. Reducing the Outside world and focusing on the Inside world can have a marvellous effect on ones mind, body, and spirit, and reduce stress - rather than intensify it, for you, your mate, and your children.

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 Visit Hybrid Rasta Mama and the Fabulous Mama Chronicles to find out how you can participate in the next Fabulous Hybrid Carnival!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. It will be updated by 3:00pm PST on Monday. April 30th:

• Unschooling My Heart - Patti at Canadian Unschooler discovered that Unschooling her kids was EASY compared to the bigger change required to Unschool her heart.
• Change (Variety) - Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet writes about how variety is the spice of life.
• No More Threats - Amy at Presence Parenting flips the idea of parental control through threats on its head, for good.
• Why Are You Mad??? Turn Off the T.V and Meditate - Destany of They Are All of Me discusses limiting stress by focusing more on your Inside self.
• Co-ed Sleepovers?  Changing My Mindset – Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama takes a hard look at her previous beliefs about sleepovers.
• Change Can Mean Puddles - Jorje of Momma Jorje has had to clean up some puddles after major changes.
• On Acceptance - Laura at Authentic Parenting writes about how she ditched the constant longing for change and came to accept herself as she is.
• Blissed Out on Birth, Drunk on Baby Skin - Melissa from Mothers of Change passionately explores the changes she would like to see come to the maternity care system, and our universal love of the smell of a newborn baby.
• Changing My Mindset, One Challenge at a Time - Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles speaks candidly about her challenges in changing how she parents.
• Because Mommy Said No - Dawn of Raising Natural Kids discusses the use of a common phrase that makes Mommy out to be the bad guy when, in reality, she is making decisions out of love.
• Through Adversity We Grow - Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children chooses to take a positive view on change and growth.
• Life is Change - Rae of Ital Livin' writes about the large changes her family has made within the last year.constant in life.
• A Changing Voice - Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots discusses how in order to grow change is unavoidable.  That does not mean the process is easy though.
• Being. Changing. Believing. - Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making It All Work reminisces on the changes that have shaped her adult life thus far, and molded her into an adaptable, but still type-A, believer in change.
• Motivating Change In The Face Of Apathy - Brenna at Almost All The Truth is asking the question many of us who actively work to change the world ask ourselves: how do we get people to care?
• She Changes Everything She Touches - Change is the only thing we can count on in life, and Jen in Canada examines some of the biggest things she'd like to tackle before the birth of her second child.

Kids Playroom + Black Paint & Sidewalk Chalk

Pretty much what the titles says. :)

We all know how yucky kids rooms get, and playrooms are the worst!

We took the carpet up months ago, and found beat up hardwood floor underneat that couldn't be salvaged. Because it's a kids playroom and bound to get gross again (duh!) we decided against replacing the carpet.

That left us with very little choices, I just decided to go with it and paint the floor. Why black? It's what I had the most of in the paint cupboard. Throw in chalkboard paint and you have a brilliant idea born out of being a complete tightwad. The kids totally love it, especially on rainy days when they can't draw outside. By the way, that is not chalkboard paint either, but regular indoor laytex, in satin finish. It works quite well!

6 week Session on Bullying

I decided to take on a venture of a long indepth discussion on bullying. I spent months researching and studying, I interviewed numerous people and I enlisted volunteers. The result was some 30 articles written on the subject from different social positions and different schools of thought. I even spoke with some of the experts - SuEllen Fried and Izzy Kalman and they both gave me their personal insight. The discussion itself was engaging, much of it spilling out over multiple threads on facebook. These articles will remain on this blog as a resource to any and all who need them.
I would like to give a personal thanks to all who contributed, those who participated in the discussion, and those who read.

Bullies - Personal Account
Defining Bully
It's Just Bullying - What's the Big Deal?
My Son the Bully
Rankism - Justified Bullying
Musing on Bullying - Personal Account
Validation, Then Anti-Bully
5 Ways Great Parents Contribute to Bullying
Our Bully Culture Part 1
Who Would Bully a Baby? - Personal Account
When Professionals Abuse their "Power" - Personal Account
The Bully Continuum
Why is My Child Being Bullied?
How to Help your Child When They Are Being Bullied
Anti-Bully Laws Don't Work
When You Can't Take it Back - Personal Account
When NOT to Interfere If Your Child is Being Bullied
Talking to Kids About Being Bullied - 6 Things You Should Never Say
Is It OK to Bully Kids if They're Gay?
Bully Poetry
When Friends Are Bullies - Recognizing When Your Child is in a Controlling Relationship
The Teen Culture
The True Meaning of the Golden Rule: Love Your Bullies
Our Bully Culture Part 2
Bullies - All Grown Up!
CyberBullying
When You Witness Bullying
Bully Scapegoating Syndrome
The Anti-Bully Movement - Where Do You Stand?
Bully Resources - Where to Turn For Help

Solar System Mobile

As I was tucking my sweet, sunny kid Adam into bed the other night, he asked me very innocently how does it get dark? I grabbed up my nearest ball of yarn and held it up to his light fixture and slowly turned it - explaining how the earth revolves and as it turns away from the sun it is cast into shadow, thus creating night.
I think it took him an hour to quiet down and stop asking questions! But I could tell the next morning that he had been up late into the night, pondering the mysteries of the universe - at least, the solar system!
A trip to the library the following day and a dig into Mama's craft drawer were obviously needed! Together, we made a planet mobile to hang in his room.

Materials: 10 styrofoam balls (we included Pluto) of various sizes
                  Paste
                  Paper for paper mache
                  Craft Paint
                  20 gauge galvanized steel wire (any sturdy wire will work)
                  Fishing line or string
                   Dowel rod

I rounded up some styrofoam balls of various sizes. I think I have a six inch ball for the sun, 3 four inch balls (Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus), 4 three inch balls (Earth, Mercury, Venus, Neptune), 1 two inch ball (Mars), and 1 one inch ball (Pluto). I'm not sure if the sizes are all to scale with each other, I just used what I had on hand.
The kids helped recycle paper lunch sacks by ripping them to shreds. Any paper suitable for paper mache will work though.

Using a flour and water paste mixture (half a cup of flour to two cups of water, bring it to a boil and let it cool), we covered the styrofoam balls and let them dry.

I used plain old craft paint, mixed to different colors to paint the planets. I painted the trickier ones, like Earth, but the kids could easily handle the plain planets like Mars and Neptune.

For the rings around Saturn, I made a "nest" out of the galvanized steel. I then took two 3 inch pieces of the wire and bent it into a U, and pushed them into the sides of the ball, securing the rings.








I made 10 more U shapes out of the wire and inserted them into the tops of the styrofoam balls. This is what I attached the fishing line to.

I cut the dowel rod into two equal pieces (I should have used two dowel rods so the planets had more space) and notched out the center with a pair of wire snippers so that they could recces down into each other and not swivel. I used a piece of wire to bind them together.





Using fishing line, I strung the planets and the sun from the dowel rods and hung them from the ceiling.

Reusable Vacuum Bag

I truly love my Eureka Rally. It is the best vacuum I've ever owned. In fact, this is my third one. With multiple types of flooring, from hardwood to tile to carpet plus two narrow steep staircases, the compact lightweight canister is the perfect vacuum for me. Now since this isn't an advertisement for Eureka, I will tell you what I hate about it. The bags! So annoying!
The bags are a bit small, so they need changing frequently. Because I cannot stand seeing my money go into the trash, I began emptying them out and reusing them. There is no good way to do this. It involved pulling, digging and birthing all kinds of nasty dust and debris through a tiny orifice to be tossed. I'm neurotic, I know.
My kids saw me doing this enough times that they decided they had to do this as well, with the results that they often ripped the bag and ruined it when it was only a quarter of the way full. Imagine me irritated.
Solution! Yeah baby! A reusable bag made of cloth with a zipper in place!

Materials:
Scrap fabric, cut into 9 pieces. Measure your vacuum bag to make sure you're getting your dimensions right. Basically, you're making a rectangular box with six sides, but since one side has a zipper it will need two strips.You will also two flaps that will go onto the sides of the zipper.
Cardboard brace from an old vacuum bag.
Piece of flat rubber.
Zipper.
Drill, small drill bit, tapestry needle and yarn.



Take the two thinner strips to be used for your zipper side of the "box" and fold over the edges of on side about half of an inch. You want to press that with an iron, or just rub it really hard with your fingers to make it stay. Pin each folded side to your zipper and sew it.














I know it's hard to tell in this picture, but here I sewed two flaps (of sorts) over the gaps on each side of the zipper. I just took two small pieces of fabric, folded and pressed the sides under, laid them each over the gaps, and top stitched then down all the way around. I then trimmed the excess from the outer edges.













I took another long rectangular piece and cut a hole in the middle, where it would line up with my hose inside my vacuum. It's actually a bit offset, I just followed my old bag as a guide. The hole doesn't need to be perfect, but it does need to be top stitched down to keep it from tearing.

Here I sewed all four of my long sides together, I chose to place the zipper on the side next to the hole, that way I can get to it and open it without taking it out of the vacuum if I have to. If, for instance, I vacuum up an army man and need to retrieve him hastily.






Next, I sewed on my two sides, making sure my zipper was open for turning it right side out.











I don't even remember where this piece of rubber came from, but I knew I needed to have something that would stand up for a great long while and not that flimsy bit of latex(?) from the disposable. I cut it to fit, and removed the old gasket.

I used my drill and drill bit to place holes all the way around the cardboard hole, making sure to keep them inside the borders of my rubber pieces. You may see that I had traced around my rubber square to see that I was placing my holes where they needed to be.
Afterward, I sandwiched my rubber between the cardboard and the cloth bag, lining everything up, and used my tapestry needle and sturdy yarn to sew it on. It's not the prettiest thing, but it's not like anyone will see it.



Insert bag and go! I have used the bag several times now, and it works just like I pictured. The hose fits right over the gasket and gives an air tight seal, the bag unzips to empty it whenever I like. It does get sort of dusty, but you totally would expect that. Oh! And as long as I have this vacuum, I need never buy another bag.

Trash Rules!

If frugality was a disorder, I'm sure I would be a prime candidate for treatment. Most people who know me can tell you that I am rather extreme about it. I get off on cutting my budget anywhere I can, and one of the most surprising cuts was two years ago my husband and I cancelled our trash service. We choose not to have one, even though we live in the city. This does not mean that we have loads of trash sitting around our house. On the contrary, we have developed a system so that our family produces only one half of a kitchen sized trash bin of garbage per week for our family of six. Yes, really. While many articles can tell you how to minimize the amount of garbage you're putting into landfills, this one is unique because I'm going to tell you how to do it for free. Provided you live in a city that has recycling stations, and most do nowadays. I also want to point out that in my area, the recycling center takes all plastics, 1 - 7. You need to see what kind yours takes and check the labels on your plastics.

The above picture is of my waste set up. The three bags on the wall are made of cloth. I used cotton to make them, you can buy cloth laundry bags if you're not into sewing. If you do make your own, I suggest doubling up your seams.
These work well and they are washable. I have three, but your family may need up to five, depending on the rules of your nearest recycling center and your household habits. In my city, there are many recycling stations throughout, placed in parking lots that are free for public use. I have a trash service station two miles from my home that accepts all of my recyclables. The bags on the walls are for cardboard (like cereal or cracker boxes), plastic and metal. We save and reuse our glass containers, and office/news paper. The larger trash bin is for garbage, and the small is for compost. I have a good sized composter out back.

On our "trash day", which is any day we choose, we just grab up our four bags and put them in the car. We dump the recyclables into their allotted bins at the recycling center, and on our way home, we drop by the car wash. There, we will clean out any debris in the car, including our small bag of trash. Just so we're not being blatantly dishonest and "dumping" our trash, we take some time to vacuum out the car and wash it. Once a month or so, I wash the bags before hanging them back up.

That's pretty much the nuts and bolts, but this system would not work if we did not have a few very particular trash rules.
Don't bring trash home.
This really encompasses a lot. From being mindful of how items we purchase are packaged, and opting to buy items with less waste surrounding them - to not hauling home junk from a yard sale that we're not completely sure we would use. When you don't have the convenience of setting unwanted things out by the curb and having them hauled off, you become much more aware of that fact that everything you use will wind up being disposed of in some way. This can help your wallet as well as your wastefulness, as you tend to stop and consider how much you really "need" something before you buy it - and whether or not that need is worth the inconvenience of the disposal.


Don't create trash.
In my household, we forgo any items whose sole purpose is to become trash. Paper towels, napkins, baby wipes, disposable dishes, tissues, etc. The only exception is toilet paper. Instead, we opt for tea towels, bandannas (which are used as hankies and cloth napkins), cloth diapers and wipes, etc. And Swiffer? That's pretty much a swear word in my book. By using cloth items and simply washing them, we not only save on our amount of waste for our budget and the planet, but we never have to worry about running out.


If it's useful - in ANY way - it is not trash
This does not make us hoarders, see rule one. Those plastic yogurt containers? They make awesome reusable Dixie cups! And sour cream and dip bowls are perfect cereal bowls for little ones because they're so much harder to tip. Whenever we have an item to throw away, no matter how large or how small, we will take a few moments to give some creative thought to the matter. Can this be reused for another purpose than what it is typically used for? Can it be turned into something else with a few alterations? What can I do to avoid throwing this into the trash? Not only are we less wasteful because we are not throwing as much away, but we are saving money by needing to buy less. The bottom line is, we only send things to the landfill when we must.


Compost it!
Anything that biodegrades without leaving harmful byproducts goes into my handy dandy composter. If you don't have one, don't sweat it. They are so easy to make! You can use an old trash container, laundry hamper, or any kind of bin. You can even make an enclosure out of just about any kind of fencing materials. If you google it, you will find it.


Food is not trash
I pride myself on being a relatively calm person. However, you do not want to be at my house on a day when someone puts food (or my saved food containers) into the trash. Mainly, it stinks. If I am going to have but one bag for trash for the whole week and it sits in my kitchen from Monday to next Monday, then the spaghetti that was thrown away on Tuesday is going to reek up my entire house by Friday at the latest. And Daddy will not thank you for stinking up the car come trash day. Everything that goes into the trash or the recycling bins must be rinsed clean of any food or anything that will cause odor. So when it comes to food: Eat it. If it can't be eaten, compost it. If it can't be composted, it goes into that garbage disposal I spent over a hundred dollars for. If it can't go down there (this means animal bones and shrimp tales), it goes into the freezer to be used to make stock. Then it goes back into the freezer to be refrozen, and only then it will be taken out on trash day.


This may seem like a lot. Having to sort, rinse, think about and transport waste (not to mention washing boogery hankies and poopie diapers). But they say it only takes three weeks for a new practice to become a habit. My family and I do these things without giving them any thought. Which makes for odd moments when you're say, visiting a friends house and they ask you to throw away a plastic baggie that is COVERED in food and you find yourself trying not to argue with them about the fact that it needs rinsing first!
Ultimately, these changes can give back huge rewards. Your wallet, in that you're buying less by wasting less in the first place - the 60$ to 100$ per month that you are NOT paying the trash guys (sorry trash guys!) and the environmental impact you are having on so many levels.

You Say Tomato

Sixteen years ago, I was a senior in high school. I was more than halfway through the process of enlisting into the air force and had a bright, fairly secure future ahead of me. I had been living on my own for over a year, having been legally emancipated at 16. I was tough stuff, I'm telling you! And then I met this guy, who was pretty much the opposite of anyone I had dated (or wanted to date) and I knew early on that I was in big trouble.

This relationship, by all accounts, should be a total nightmare. It wasn't supposed to work out. We did everything wrong and had everything against us. First, was our six month courtship - three months of those were long distance and in that duration, we became engaged. People laughed when I told them. I listened to heavy metal, dressed in "early goth" and was a fairly liberal feminist. He was a punk in cowboy clothing who called me "Ma'am" and opened doors for me. Up until that point, I hated cowboys. I still don't much care for them, but he's outgrown his Wranglers by now. Check out his tats!

We lived together for three more more months before calling up the courthouse, asking how much it would cost to get married, and securing the first available date they had on their roster. No one tried to talk me out of it, I don't think anyone was all that surprised. By that point, we were inseparable. Our families humored us - but no one brought their camera to the reception. Within a month of wedded bliss, we announced we were pregnant. With that, we caught some flack. My family especially expressed concern and it was the first and only time my little sister ever told me off.

Besides the rush job when we were dirt poor and still in our teens, the thing that makes our marriage most unique is how different we are. I cannot exaggerate that enough. If I like something, he hates it. If he likes something, I can't stand it - at least 95% of the time. We can't agree on music, clothing, hair (his or mine), or movies. I like hiking, reading, gardening, painting, sewing, cooking and a great many interests; he likes watching tv and working on his truck. I would prefer to spend the day walking around an art museum. He would prefer watching sports or listening to music - loudly. I hate loud music.

Our differences and preferences extend far beyond our hobbies and interests, and into just about every facet of our married life. I prefer to eat very healthy (and would take it to the extreme, if allowed), he craves greasy fast-food, sugary processed snacks, energy drinks and diets sodas. We have different tastes in home decor and paint colors for our walls. I prefer to not take medicine unless I absolutely need it, he reaches for an aspirin at the slightest ache or pain. I think you get the point. These differences are present in every co-decision, no matter how large or small that we make on a day to day basis. And yet, what may surprise most people is we almost never argue. We do, but very rarely and only over things that we feel extremely passionate about. That's not to say we haven't hit our share of marital snags, every relationship gets it's bumps and bruises as it travels through life. But we have, by and large, a peaceful loving union even when we are constantly disagreeing with each other.

So how does this work? I question and examine that frequently, believe me. I consider the following things crucial to not only getting along, but getting the most out of our marriage.
Is this really important enough to argue about?
I learned that one early on. Dr. Phil (yes, I'm going there) used to say on his show, "You can be happy or you can be right." This is one of the best pieces of marital advice I've ever heard. Honestly. It makes me stop and think about just how important IS this choice? So what if I absolutely hate the wall color he picked for our bedroom? Most of the time I'm in there, the lights are out and I'm sleeping or involved in activities that... well let's just say if I'm worrying about my wall color at that point in time, I have a way bigger problem!

How does this translate into parenting? By not sweating the small things and micromanaging my family members. I don't like it when my kids play in the creek behind my house, drink soda or eat junk food, or watch t.v. shows that I myself find too distasteful to sit through. I can use these instances to insert my opinions and leave it at that. I think in terms of what would be more detrimental to my children at this point? Junk food and trashy t.v., or nagging and fighting, creating a tense and discordant environment where everyone is miserable (even me, even when I got my way).



Trusting my partner, even when I just plain hate his ideas.
I used to cringe when he would explain a project idea that in my head, I knew I wouldn't like. But more often than not, it came out quite well and as it turns out, he is really bad at explaining a concept he is seeing in his mind. And when he makes changes to our routine or our household that I strongly dislike and continue to dislike as time goes on, I can remember that this is often a small and temporary thing. A year ago, he bought some green outdoor carpet and built up a pitchers mound in the back yard. It was so ugly! And he put it right in front of my beloved watergarden, wrecking my view. I chose not to make an argument out of it, and within the year, it was removed. By him. Because it turned out he didn't like it.

How does this translate into parenting? By always remembering that he is just as much a parent as I am and he has a right to raise his children in ways that he sees fit. He is always respectful (well, most of the time) when he disagrees with a decision I have made, therefore I owe him the same courtesy. Besides, we both love our children and only want what's best for them. I want our kids to understand how lucky they are to have a father that goes to the lengths theirs does to provide them with a happy and stable upbringing. They cannot get that message if I am constantly undermining his decisions or putting him down. I tell them frequently that my biggest hope for them is to turn out like their father, and in turn, he often praises me in front of the children as well.



Celebrating our differences.
Because we are so often on a different page conceptually, we have ideas (about politics, diet, education, activities, etc.) that the other could never have come up with. It sure does keep things interesting and keeps us from getting bored with each other because we are constantly offering something new to the marital table. He teaches me to think in ways I had never considered, and I'm sure I do that for him as well, even if he hates to admit it.

How does this translate into parenting? By realizing how broad the scope of our childrens vision is becoming by having two parents from entirely separate schools of thought. With my husband, they are exposed to Beegee's, seventies and eighties rock, country and some pop. With me, they are exposed to techno (yeah, I said that), classical, and less mainstream musical groups like Ludo or MGMT. With my husband, they get McDonald's, Little Debbie, and fattening dinners like potato soup and hot dogs. With me, they get beans, fresh vegetables and more whole foods. With my husband, they get fishing, baseball games, Family Guy, and lessons on car maintenance. With me, they get hiking, gardening lessons, art and culture - and sometimes political lectures which I am sure they just love. With me, they learn to MAKE rather than buy, and when that is not possible, they get lessons in bargain shopping from their dad - he is a pro at that!



Compromising and disagreeing is an art form.

Most of the time, when we have a disagreement (not argument, those are two different things) we can find a happy middle. This takes effort on both our parts because it often means that neither is getting what they wanted but finding a solution we can both live with. Because of this, it tends to actually simplify things as our choices become limited. For instance, when we order pizza: I hate Pizza Hut, he hates Dominoes (and pretty much everyone except Pizza Hut). Ergo, we almost never order pizza and isntead, opt for Chinese. Problem solved! If we have to come up with a compramise, we will often do this seperately. We will discuss it to the point of realizing an agreement cannot be made, and then go to our own metaphorical corners. Obviously, this does not mean dinner choices, but big decisions that can be slept on and mulled over. Realizing that an agreement doesn't need to be made right away allows us room to fume and get angry without an outburst, and after careful thought we are usually able to come to a middle ground to present to eachother the next time the matter is discussed.

How does this translate into parenting? Our children can see how we are able to reason things out with each other. They are getting many lessons on getting along with people who have different mentalities. They are learning flexibility, open mindedness, tolerance, and how to communicate peacefully. And yes, we are imperfect. Therefore on occasion, they get to see how a more impassioned display of disagreement, and how that can ultimately be resolved with love and understanding.



One final thing - we laugh. Everyday, throughout the day. Making light of our differences, similarities and the crazy situations we sometimes find ourselves in, is incredibly important. Knowing how to laugh at myself and not take things too seriously is truly the best lesson my husband has taught me. It's almost impossible to be angry and not enjoy one another when we're so busy laughing at ourselves, each other and the world around us.

Although Joe and I are very different people sharing a house, family and our whole life experience through completely different lenses, we get along wonderfully because of the strong and stable foundation of our union. There are things that we both whole-heartedly agree on that make our marriage work. Love, of course! Mutual respect and adoration. Loyalty (that is BIG). Raising our children with love and kindness. Tolerance and patience. Above all, commitment and what the "experts" have always told us is a very unnatural and unhealthy co-dependency on one another that I cannot honestly explain.

When You're Spoon-fed Applesauce...

When you're spoon-fed applesauce, you never think of eating pears. not unless someone with some pears comes along and asks you why you've never had pears. They may even offer you some pears. You may be immediately attracted to the pears or you may be wary, even put off or disgusted at the mere sight of the pears.

Why is it that as adults, we are often frightened of trying something new? Whether it's a new food, a new method of a chore you've performed thousands of times, a new concept? Whenever I cook a new food for my family, even one that has a taste and texture I know my kids will love, I am still met with grimaces and sometimes even retching as they have the preconception that they won't like it. Their father and I will sit at the table perplexed and flabbergasted at their wholly close-minded attitudes. We have a rule in our house that if the kids don't like something they don't have to eat it. Nothing goes to waste in my household, trust me. There's always someone to eat what one child doesn't want - and pb&j in the cupboard. Eventually they will come around, and I tell myself that they will one day outgrow their initial aversion to trying new things. But will they?

I think that as adults, we are always reluctant to entertain new concepts - particularly those that divulge from the mainstream, due to several factors.

Cult fear.
 Growing up, we listened to our parents as they vehemently complained about punk hair, heavy metal, or anyone who lived life differently than they did. "Did you see Margie? Oh yeah, she doesn't wear underwear! Can you believe that? Could you imagine anything grosser? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Just makes you think, what other weird stuff we don't know about her." And there you have it. People who don't wear underwear are automatically weirdos. I bet you just inwardly agreed, didn't you? So stop and think for a minute, what precisely about a person who doesn't wear underwear is gross to you? You'd never even notice. In fact, I know a couple of people who don't don knickers and guess what? I never knew until they told me!

Stop and question WHY you have a preconceived notion of something. Where did this prejudice come from? Who gave you that idea in the first place? Mom and Dad? A teacher at school? Society? T.V. commercials? A doctor?

What others will think of us.
If we initially think a concept or newfangled method is weird or off putting, so will our family and our friends. Many of us never take on a new idea, no matter how appealing we find it, simply because we fear others criticism almost as much as we feared be reprimanded by our parents when we were growing up. Many who are considered part of subculture are the exception, often times doing things JUST to upset the norm and bring on the hostility and criticism of others. Oh, but you know, they're total freaks! <---- that's sarcasm!

If someone presents you with a new idea and you are really keen on it but afraid of catching flack there are things you can do to prepare yourself for dealing with intolerant mindsets. You can arm yourself with as much information on the subject as you can find. Imagine what others might say to you and form your counter arguments before hand so you won't be caught off guard. This does not mean you have to get into a confrontation. But having the knowledge on hand that convinced YOU an idea was worthy will make you feel more secure when asserting this idea to others. Memorize references so you can tell or show (inlaws, parents, siblings, frineds) where you found this information, even have some information printed off so they can read the articals themselves if they are open to learning. Practice telling strangers or people that you don't know well (or could give a rats ass what they think of you) before telling the ones that you're concerned may become upset. The more you say it out loud, the more comfortable you will be expressing the idea.

Resistance to change.
If you, say, cancelled your curbside trash service and decided to recycle 90% of everything that comes through your household, you can save quite a bit of money (not to mention doing your fair bit for the planet). Think you couldn't do that? Sure you can, I do! And it's totally free too. It's not as hard as you may think. I bet your brain just started grinding in protest as it began processing the hows and the whats-its. Changing something, even something as so mundane as trash disposal, takes work! But if the benefits would be worth it to you, at least give it some thought. And if you want to know how to reduce your trash consumption, stay tuned to this blog. A "Trash Rules" post will be coming soon!

Really stop and think about what changes will be needed to put the new idea into fruition. Mull it over, compile a list of duties and supplies. Look at it from multiple angles to see all of the different ways you could make your new idea work. Bounce it off of a friend or mate to get another perspective. You may well find that it isn't as hard as you initially thought.

You haven't been given permission. That's a big one. It hangs a lot of us up. Even as adults, we defer back to our authority figures. If your authority figures were hippies or nudists, you probably have a tendency to follow a less than mainstream path - and do so fairly easily. But for many of us who were raised with parents who had traditional values and practices, it can be hard to buck the system. And our parents aren't the only authority figures we carry into adulthood. The government, of course, the school system, doctors, even television. - Hey, how many times have you watched a commercial for Lysol, where they're in a bathroom that is already clean and then they wipe it with their magic cleaning solution so suddenly it's blindingly white? Then you feel like crud because you had no idea that it wasn't clean in the first place and guilty because you now know that your bathroom is completely unpresentable? Yeah? Don't worry, we all do that! T.V ads use shame and guilt to make us comply with what we believe the social standards are and therefore it is very much an authority figure for many adults.

Also, most of us will rebel from our parents long before we refuse to follow advice from our doctors. Think about that one for a minute! As children, we were told that the only people who had permission to touch our private parts were our parents or our doctors. Doctors were allowed to poke us with needles and do all sorts of things to us that no one else (even our closest relatives) could do and not go to jail for. Doctors advice has a strong hold over us. Especially if it's our child's pediatrician and we worry that if we don't obey the doctor, we will get into trouble. Most often we listen without regret, because we believe that they always have our best interests at heart - like good old Mom and Dad. But do they? Do they really? Take a moment to consider who is paying the doctor (nearly all of the time) and I'm going to leave it at that.
But really stop to think when a doctor gives you advice, or prescribes you or your child a medication, exactly who is getting the biggest benefit in this scenario. If it's you or your kid, then fine. And I'm not saying we shouldn't take our doctors advice when it is good and necessary. I'm only saying that we should not take it for granted that our doctors know all, and that they always have our best interests in mind. Doctors should NOT be authority figures! And neither should t.v. ads. ;-)

You're never too old or too young to ask questions and it's never a bad idea to stop and question yourself. Why do you practice what you practice? Why do you believe what you believe? Where do your values come from? Constant self-reflection can bring you a world of insight into your own motivations and help you determine what practices or preconceptions you could stand to hone, alter, or abolish. And inturn, this can help you to be more understanding and open to people who do things differently than you.

It's Parenting, Not Syphilis

I recently outed myself on facebook, saying that my husband and I are wanting to add an addition to our family and will soon begin trying to conceive. I have been telling people for months that I want another child, and overwhelmingly, peoples first response is "WHY???"
I'm a little confused when I am asked this. You'd think I had just expressed my deepest desire to undergo an unmedicated root canal - or contract a sexually transmitted disease.
I tell them how much my husband and I love kids and love being parents and how my family has discussed this at length and decided this is would be a great thing. Most people accept this and express that they are happy or excited for us. Others, however, seem to feel the need to "educate" us with disparaging comments: "Oh, but kids are so stressful. They are so expensive. It's a lot of work!"
Mostly we get a lot of eyerolling and head shaking. Fortunately no one has asked if I think I can handle it.

I have four children already. The "Oh my gosh, you're crazy!" - or people shaking their heads in incomprehension is not a new reaction to us, given that all of our children were preplanned and announced before conception. My husband and I were extremely young parents, so we have heard this with every one of our kids. I suppose it is one that those with larger families all have to deal with.

What surprises me about these reactions are two things. First, yes, I already have four children. Therefore I know perfectly well what having another will be like. I am well versed in midnight feedings, frequent diaper changes, sore nipples, and the inconsolable crying of a tiny little person who is uncomfortable or miserable and cannot tell me why. I understand this will mean less free time for myself. I understand this will mean another mouth to feed, another child to clothe and house and be financially responsible for. I get it, ok?
The other thing that surprises me is how quickly and how easily people seem to forget their pride and love for their own child/children when confronted with the idea of someone elses prospective new child. I know parenting can be a difficult job. It can sometimes strain a marriage. It can take us to our limits, cause us to question every choice we make and bring us tremendous guilt when we screw up. But every parent I know also loves their kids like crazy and will walk to the ends of the earth to give them what they need. Every parent I know relishes in their child/children's success, their kisses, their laughter and their happiness. One of the greatest parenting perks is to be able to plant the seed of an idea and watch them take it, nourish it and make it their own.

I have, by and large, found parenting to be an incredibly positive experience. It's the biggest thing I've ever done. It's the biggest thing I could ever do! Being an artist, seamstress, cook, - even if someday I obtain fame and glory for my talents and skills, nothing I do can compare to how much joy I get out of being a mom.

•   Yes, even when my 14 year old hides in his room or at his friends houses for what feels like days and I reflect on the fact that I can no longer be his best buddy. This just makes me treasure our limited time together even more and beam with pride at what a responsible and independent young man he is becoming. I make sure to tell him every so often that he can come to me and talk with me about anything under the sun and I will be loving and accepting and try to help him in anyway that I can. He smiles and nods, "I know Mom."
• Yes, even when my 12 year old is huffing at me, rolling his eyes, talking back and doing all of the normal teenage angsty crap that annoys us parents. I take deep pride when I am able to keep calm and not engage in his attempts to force an argument out of me. Oh and I just feel terrible when I do loose my cool, though I will try and remind myself that my reaction is somewhat normal and boy, does that kids love to argue! In fact, I secretly love that he argues! I'm glad he doesn't take what information he is given and do everything he is told with out question. I'm glad he can stand up for himself and even if it means a hard time, question his authority if he feels it is off base - Don't ever let 'em push you down Kid! Question everything!
• Yes, even when my five year old cries over just about anything that upsets him and I worry that when he goes to school the kids will call him names. Truth be told, he actually towers over children his own age, he has the luxury that his older brothers have enjoyed - kids tend to leave them alone. You know, don't poke the sleeping giant in the eye. The fact is he is so sensitive, he is often crushed when something doesn't go his way. But he is also a sunny and lovable boy! He can be a bit overzealous with his play, having two great big brothers who wrestle with him and teach him how to maximize his strength. But his greatest strength is how soft he can be. Last week, we were sitting in a restaurant when he pointed at a lady in a wheelchair who had no hair and was obviously quite ill and whispered to me, "Mom! She's beautiful!" I wish he hadn't whispered it!
• And yes, even when my little princess is feeling her diva groove a quite a lot and freaking out over some imagined or misproportioned insult, having a screaming fit that I was unable to diffuse. I understand her all too well and I can often see why she feels the way she does because I too am extremely sensitive and my world can fall apart if even the slightest thing is off. But I've learned to overcome this debilitating effect any negativity can cause and one of the things I look forward to most with my daughter isn't teaching her about make up or dresses and feeling pretty - it's going to be teaching her how much power she has. It will be teaching her what women can DO. It will be teaching her about the strong and passionate women who have helped mold this modern age and allow us our rightful place beside our men - not beneath them. And also, about tadpoles and frogs, rainbows, the joy of a single apple blossom, mathematics and science, and the power of language, all of the big and small wonders of this world.

I treasure all of my children and the opportunities they bring me. The opportunity for patience and understanding. The opportunity for teaching and for loving. The opportunity to grow in my own mind just a little more and see the world not only through my own eyes, but through the eyes of these four amazing human beings. And the chance to show them how I see as well.
When I think of having another child, I am not deluded, I know there will be parts that will be hard. But I will make the most of those trials and honor the new relationship I have the privilege of knowing.

Rainbow Friends

Rainbow Friend Dolls

I'm not going to get into the politics on why I decided to make these dolls, but I have been working on them for a few months now. I thought I would wait to post a blog entry once I had their clothing made, but I've gotten so busy. Don't worry, these naked cuties will soon have their garments. Likely, they will have received a fair amount of wear and tear and be looking quite raggedy by the time I finally do! So for now, please excuse the nudity! ;-)

These dolls were made using acrylic yarn, but any worsted weight should do fine. As you see, there are two of each color - a brother and a sister. I quite emphasize that fact when my children are playing with them. The kids named them as I made each one, and from left to right there are: Julia, Dannon, Gaga, Roland, Barbara, Arlo, Teena, and Louis. My husband and I did not influence the names at all, I must say, I am quite impressed with the style and variety!

And while I'm at it, I would like to plug in my first book recommendation! "A Rainbow of Friends" by PK Hallinan, just says exactly what I was wanting to say to my kids with these dolls. So when the set was complete and I gave them the dolls, I also gave them this book, and read it to them every night for about the past month. It rhymes, so that made it even more fun and kept it from getting monotonous!
A Rainbow of Friends by PK Hallinan

This pattern is very inexact. In fact, I feel like the emphasis on difference between each doll can be further compounded by making each a different shape. Therefore, I will say approximately or about, often. You can make some slightly shorter, some slightly thinner, some chubbier, some with longer torsos. In fact, you can even give them amputated limbs if you like. I didn't think to do this until after they were finished.

Supplies:

Worsted weight yarn, various skin tones.

5 size 3 double pointed needles.

Yarn scraps for holding stitches.

Various yarns for eyes and hair.

Pillow fluff

Really small crochet hook , size f, I think.

...................................................................................

So now, the pattern. On size 3 double ended needles:

Cast on 12 stitches (three onto four needles)

1. - k 1 round.

2. - k1m1 all the way around, doubling the amount stitches so that you have six on each needle for a total of 24 stitches.

3. Knit in the round for approximately 15 rows.

4. Decrease the stitches by half, by knitting 2 together (k2tog).

5. Knit 4 or 5 rows, just to make the neck.

6. Increase your stitches again by double (k1m1).

7. Knit 4 or 5 more rows.

8. Once you've completed another row and come back to your start, knit across the needle and then turn around and purl back.

9. Continue to knit and then purl two more times, so that you have 3 knitted and 3 purled rows that are not connected to the rest of the work. Just hanging down like a little flap. Cut the yarn, leaving a few inches.

10. Onto the other side of the doll, on the opposite needle of your flap, insert your needle into the first stitch and knit across, turn, purl, turn, knit, turn, purl, turn, knit, turn, purl so that you have a second flap to match the one opposite it.

11. Turn the work again and knit across the second flap. Once you come to the end of it, do not turn, but place your needle into the first stitch onto the other flap and knit a few of the stitches.

12. You're going to want to take the two unused needles that are holding your stitches at the shoulders. Use a small crochet hook or a large tapestry needle to place a scrap piece of yarn into these stitches.

13. Take the two needles you just removed from the shoulders and disperse your stitches at the bottom of the work onto all four needles evenly. It doesn't have to be perfect, you're just going to be knitting in the round again.

14. Once all of the stitches at the bottom of the work are back onto all 4 needles, continue to knit across and join the flaps at the other side and just continue to work in the round.

15. You should now have an egg shape that is the head. A neck, chest, two arm holes, and as you continue knitting your rounds, you create a trunk - about 25 to 30 rows should do.

16. Once you have your trunk knitted, there's a couple of things to do. First, take a minute to stuff the head full of fluff. Second, remove the stitches from the needles and place them onto a stitch holder or a scrap piece of yarn, and cut the yarn leaving a few inches.

17. One at a time, make your arms. Start by placing the stitches that you have on hold back onto the needle. If you followed the pattern exactly, you should have 4. Take up your yarn and knit across these. Now you want to place your needles along the sides of the armhole. You can do this by inserting a crochet hook through the front of the work, grabbing the working yarn and pulling it through, then slide your needle through. Do this about 5 times on each side, so that you have a triangle you can begin knitting in the round. Knit in the round for about 20 stitches.

18. Once you have your arm the length that you want it, decrease your stitches by half, and then half again. Cut your yarn leaving a few inches for a tail. Use your crochet hook to pull the tail in through the stitches and slip them off of the needles. Pull the tail tight to cinch the hole closed. Tie the end off the same way you would weave it in, and then use your crochet hook to pull the tail inside of the arm.

19. Do this again to the other arm hole so that you have two arms, head, neck, and trunk.

20. Stuff your arms and torso with fluff.

Now you need to get ready to make the legs.

21. Find the center of the torso from the front. Hopefully, you will have an even number of stitches, and can divide them in half equally. Where you're going to create the split for each leg, insert your needle into the first stitch on one side and take 1/3 of those stitches onto the first needle, 1/3 onto the second needle, and 1/3 onto a third needle. Keep the rest of the stitches on the scrap yarn.

22. You should at this point, have half of your stitches on hold, and the other half divided equally onto 3 needles. Insert your needle into the first needle you place (in the center of the doll), grab your working yarn and knit across all three needles. When you come to the end of your third needle, grab a fourth needle and with your working yarn, cast on a few stitches using the revers, or backwards cast on method. You can add as few as four, or as many as you have on each of your other three needles. Join the new needle to the start of the row and you now have a round to build your leg on.

23. Knit the leg in the round, about 25 rows until you have it as long as you'd like. Stuff it with fluff, and close it up, the same way you did the arms.

24. Begin the second leg in the same way you began the arms, and then knit it in the round until it is as long as the first leg, stuff it, and close it up the same way.

25. Now you should have a plain dollie. Congratulations! Now comes the fun part! Examine the doll to see which side looks more like a front. You can push and bend and shape the head to give one side more of a chin. Use your crochet hook to tie in yarn for the eyes. You can insert your hook into a stitch in the front, pull up a loop of your eye color yarn, and then pull the tails in through the loop. And then insert the hook from the back of the head to grab your tails and pull them through the entire head and out the back. If they show a little, they will be covered by hair. Hair is done the same way, except you don't hide the tails - they are the hair itself.

Whether you make a lot of different dollies or only one or two, allow your child to name him or her and if you're not too busy, make them some clothes. :)

Introduction

While I have two other blogs: http://destanyfenton.blogspot.com/, for my paintings, and http://thecreativemother.blogspot.com/, for my crafts and recipes, I have decided to create a blog of a more personal nature. Mainly I will use this blog to host my input for many of the wonderful blog carnivals I enjoy reading on natural parenting and holistic living.
I have been reading many of these posts for some months and I find them highly educational. It is not my intention to educate anyone, but to connect and let other people who hold similar beliefs know a bit about who I am.
So who am I? I am many facets, many faces, many moods, many mothers, many looks, many hobbies, many wives, many daughters, many ideas. I am all of them, they are all of me. I believe in looking at a broad scope and keeping an open mind. I believe a healthy body is imperative for a healthy mind and vice versa. I believe in finding peace wherever I can find it and detaching from arbitrarily stressful situations. I believe in raising children consciously and with ALL of me. I believe in minimalistic living. I believe that when you take more than you need, you are taking it from someone who needs it. I believe in looking at the world entirely and not simply focusing on my small corner of it. I believe in self-education, dedication and hard work. All of that is still only part of me. My children make up a great deal of who I am, and as I post to this blog, eventually those who read it can slowly gain a sense of all of my many, small, silly, serious, meaningful, spiritual, strange, enormous, ditsy, and not-so-flattering pieces that make up ALL of me.